Broken CD's and broken hearts.

"WHY!?" I scream, tears rolling down my face. "Why me, God? Why did this have to happen to me? Why can't you just take all of this away? Pick me up. I'm begging..." God didn't reply. The stop sign didn't move. The car sat right there. That stupid cd still playing. I grab it, hold it in my hands, shaking.. in between my fingers... and it snapped. Into a million little pieces. On this CD, there had been the name of a band and a heart. But now, all throughout the car, there were shattered pieces. Kind of like my life. As I sat there sobbing, about to drive out onto the main highway, I realized something: the cd shattered all over my car, and in my hands, was like my life. That moment, all of the pain, sadness, and agony I was feeling was being taken out on a stupid little CD. A CD that didn't do anything to me, but the things it held on it were promises only broken. A CD that just wanted to be listened to. A CD that just wanted to be heard. A CD that just wanted to be loved. Just like me. That's the funny thing about promises, sometimes they aren't kept. Even if they can't be, it doesn't change the fact that are broken. See, that CD can't reply, it can't change anything, but it was still broken. I sit in this spot... probably 30 minutes. I beg God to just perform a miracle. Just save me from my myself. Just take every thing I feel away. Just take the unforgiveness. Just take the love I feel. Just take the wants I have. Just use a miracle on me, because I know You aren't short of one, Lord. Still nothing. So I'm crying harder now. I'm still here. Sitting at this stop sign. Asking God for an answer. But I'm supposed to be on the way to the house of my favorite people in the world, who love me more than I know. I pick my head up, and I look down... there are some big pieces still left. I grab all of the ones I see.. until there are a million more pieces. My hand is bleeding from a piece of glass stuck in between my thumb and pointer finger. How is it that in trying to release my pain, I caused more? "This isn't the way it is supposed to work... This isn't the way it is supposed to go!" I scream, still thinking God is going to reply back. I hate silence, especially the moment after I say this. "It wasn't supposed to be this way..." As I say this, I glance down to the corner of my floorboard on the drivers side. There is still a piece left. I pick it up. It is the heart that I drew on the CD. But... a piece of it is missing. A piece of it is gone. So I try to break it, like I feel my heart is. It won't break. I cry, until I hear a voice inside of my head. "This CD is you, Lauren." "Yeah, because it's broken. Look at that heart, it's not even a full one. The words are all in pieces, the name has been taken away." "But, my beautiful child, it's you." "How? God!?... Where'd you go? GOD!" No reply. I sat there, wondering how I could hear Him again. It hits me. It hits me more than anything has ever hit me in my life. That CD was me. It was supposed to be this way, because somehow it played a part in me. It is making me stronger, more understanding, and more Godly. Because I had let something besides God break me. Something that I had no control over. See, my life didn't do anything to me. The way I reacted did. And in that process of reaction, I tore apart my life. I tore about my soul. I tore apart me. I tore apart my love for my God. See, God had never left. He was never not there. He was never leaving me out in the cold, in a car, at a stop sign. Sometimes, God wants us to figure things out for ourselves. He wants us to rely on Him, in us. How would we learn anything if He just took our lesson away from us? He was there. And He was begging me to drive. I couldn't move. That heart on the CD wasn't a full heart... but only a piece of it was missing. Maybe that's what my heart will always be like. Maybe a part of it will always be with someone else, because there will always be that love I felt. There will always be that heartbreak. There will always be those memories. My name was shattered, because of who I had become. The words that described the band's name were like the dreams and plans I had made; stripped away. And I hold that piece of the CD in my hand, knowing that this is what is left. This is the best I can do with this CD. But you know what? I can sure as heck make another one. I can burn another CD, when the time is right. I can draw hearts all over it, I can put the bands name... when the time is right. When the pain is gone, when I am me again, when sitting in my car listening to it won't bring me to tears. This is my life. Maybe I messed up one CD, but I have a millon more opportuinites to sing along. And maybe when the time is right, that one messed up CD can be burnt again. But if not, I will always have the melody in my head. So i put the last piece down, kind of like my heart in Jesus' hands... the last part of my heart that is together. I look up, look both ways... turn the steering wheel left, which is where I first found the last piece of the CD... and I exit onto the road, taking me to the people who will help me put my life back together. The people who love me most in this world. The people who see me at my worst, but know me at my best. I realize, I'm on my way. I'm scared what I am going to face on this road, maybe I'll even be hit by a car... but it doesn't matter. I'm on my way to love. I'm on my way to God. I'm on my way to putting the pieces of that CD back together. I'm on my way from the person I never want to become again. I'm on my way to the person I'm meant to be. I'm on my way to a place I can be myself. I'm on my way to strength. I'm on my way somewhere. And that's what matters most.

Atlas.

"I'm back," I said. "Where'd you go?" was the exact question that I needed to hear. Sometimes, we seem like we have been running down a path, claiming to be someone we aren't.. Maybe that's true. Maybe that isn't the person we are, but it is the person we have become. The thing is though... we are still in the same skin. We still have the same insides, the same mind. Where do we go when we get "lost?" Is there a such thing, if you have been found by Christ? No, there isn't. You can't lose yourself when you are in Christ. You can wander off the path, but that doesn't mean you're lost. That just means that you haven't opened and admitted to God where you are... He knows where you are. Before you breathed your first breath, Jesus knew that you would end up here one day. Somewhere, this fits into His plan. Most likely, to make you stronger. Life is like a map, so many people say this. But to me it's more like an atlas. Yes, maps make up atlas'... but saying life is just a map is limiting it to something much smaller than it is. There is a place I am supposed to go, already laid out. I just have to pick which one I choose, which map I decide to follow. Like in an atlas. Maps are usually a general area, and you have all different ways to take. Usually, you can find your way back on a map. But atlas', those are a different story. If you're not lucky, you can end up in a totally different country. It doesn't mean you're lost. It just means you're in the wrong place. How do you get back to the right place? Flip the page. How do you flip the page? Look to the one who gave you the hands to do it - Jesus. I don't know where I am going... the fear of the unknown scares me more than anything I've ever had to face in my life. But if what I am going through right now will make me a stronger person, for whatever purpose God has for me... I will face the unknown. I will not only face it, I will conquer it. The hardest thing for me to let go of is what used to be. I love parts of my past. I love people in my past. But the thing I have learned, is they may be in your future. Even if they aren't, at least you played a part in their past and they played a part in yours. Who knows what God wants, and we sure are not allowed to have a say in it. I don't want a say in it... I've done a pretty bad job lately at picking out what map to choose in my atlas. There are so many roads to take, and I hope that certain people will end up at the end of those roads.. but if they don't, at least I will end up in Jesus' arm. I'm tired of trying to figure out my book of maps. I'm tired of searching and begging. The answer has been in front of my face the entire time... I just had to get to the right country. I hope the person I love ends up in my country. I hope my best friend at heart ends up there too. I hope some families end up there. I hope. Sometimes, that's all you have. It is okay to hope, I feel. I may be wrong. But sometimes, hope is all you have. Sometimes, you have to open your atlas... and hope you land in the right country, speaking the right language, and hoping for the right things. If not, let God flip your page.

The lion, the pit, and the girl.

Low. Insecurities. In a pit. Everything that describes things you don't want to be. Have you ever tried to fight and fight and fight and still fight some more, only to find that your fighting yourself? Have you ever tried to get out, but all you can do is get more tangled in? I believe that pain is the core of everything. It is everything that drives the world. See, pain is what causes people to react. Pain causes people to strive for more, search for happiness, and to let alone... just believe in something better. If there was no pain, how would we believe in happiness? I look for happiness in other people now, because I found one little part of me that could be happy because of someone else. Until then, I had always found happiness in myself and God. I believe that happiness comes from deep within. That happiness, it comes from inside of you. Don't EVER let someone else make you happy, even if they will be there forever. Don't. Because, happiness is you. It is a moment between yourself and God. I have found that I am strongest, at my weakest. People who really care about you, will sit you down at your weakest and push you to get stronger. God always provides people like that. Just because one thing doesn't turn out the way you want it, doesn't mean you have a reason to throw away everything you've grown in. You don't ever need to throw away your strength, because one little lie in your head tells you you aren't strong enough. Look at me talking, acting like I have this down... because truth is, I don't. I wish I did. I wish I was the master at this, but to become a master, you have to be taught, and to be taught, you have to learn, and to learn - you gotta have a lesson. That's what life is all about -lessons. Lessons come day by day. The key to this whole thing on earth is day by day. Minute by minute. Breath by breath. A family very important to me once said "If you make it through a day, you'll be so proud of yourself. You'll feel accomplished. Don't ever look at the whole picture. Take it day by day, and you'll make it." It doesn't always matter what others think, what you feel, or even what you think others feel... it matters what moment or day you are living. I have found that there is never a lowest point. You can always make things worse. It's your choice to change the way you look at things, or flip the way you feel. I'm in one of the biggest struggles of my life, and I wish I could just walk away. But the thing is, I can. I can't push away the thoughts, the pain, or the wonder. I can walk away from the temptations, make a choice, and stick to it. These three things I have not been able to do this entire time that I've been in my pit. Pits. What are those things? They are a hole in the ground, with only one way out. They keep you locked up, struggling to find a way to get out the opening in the ceiling. But pits, well they are holders. But Daniel survived lions in a pit. Think of your pit like a lion. It has a mouth, a tail, and some fur. It's an animal. It wants to eat you alive. It wants to take you down. But lions are just animals. They can be killed. It's YOUR choice, no one else's, to kill it. I don't have an answer to this life thing. I will never have an answer to it. But the best thing you can do? Play the hand you've been dealt. Take that lion by the mane. Deal with it face first. Even if you never get out of that pit, at least you have killed the most dangerous thing in it. That's the funny thing though.. If you let someone help you out, they will. It's up to you to kill the lion, but when you're at your worst or you can't find some rope to get out of the pit... scream someone's name. There is always a helping hand. Most likely Jesus sent it to you. But whatever you do, please, whatever you do... Find happiness in yourself. Lions may be beautiful, but they are rough. Pits are even worse. Don't lose faith in yourself. At the end of the day, all you have is you and Jesus. Jesus will never fail. If you take things day by day, you won't fail in your situation. Face your fear. Face yourself. Face your strength. Pick yourself up off the floor of the pit, kill the lion, then search for a rope or helping hand. When you are trying to climb out of the pit, you may be blinded by the sun. You may not know where or what you're doing. Where you're going. What you're grasping. But before you know it, you'll get out. You'll see the scenery. You'll realize you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and it's better than the bottom of a pit. Day by day, you'll realize... you can make it through anything. You will soon kill a lion. You can live in pain, or live in joy. It's your choice. But whatever you do, lions and pits may be fun, but at the end of the day - all the lion is, is a scared little cat, in a big pooping hole in the ground. Don't settle for that. Strive for Jesus. Strive for day by day. Strive to survive the lion, the pit, and the girl (or boy) that you were, only to become a hunter, fighter, surviver, and warrior.

The girl who stormed into the cafeteria.

"I remember the girl I had never met before, storming into the lunch room, with these HUGE parachute looking pants on and a flowing flowered shirt. She stormed up to our table, only to say that she was skipping class. I remember her laughing, then walking away... as I stared and wondered 'Who the HECK was that girl?' I remember her telling me about her dreams of living in New York, and falling in love. She's always believed in love. She was beautiful inside and out, and still is. I remember THAT Lauren, not this one" were the words that my best friend spoke to me as I sat there and cried in Starbucks. If you've met me over the past 9 months, you have met the Lauren I'm not. The Lauren who lost everything she had sight of. I believe that people do this from time to time. How else are you supposed to love the person you are, if you don't know who you aren't? See, I've always been a dreamer. I've always believed in love. But that's the one thing that is still a worldly view. I've never let Jesus have that, because it's part of who I've always been. How can I say that I trust in God, but don't trust in the main thing He is an expert on... love. Have you ever had a map, yet, you still get lost? Have you ever tried everything you can to jump on the train you should be catching, but you keep missing the doors? Have you ever watched a leaf fall, only to be kicked around again? There is something in common with all of these - not being where you are meant to be. I remember when I knew where I was supposed to be. When I had sight of the place I was going, yet somehow I'm still going there. I believe that reputations can be restored, hearts can be mended, and trust can be gained back... only if people will open their eyes to them. I have found that you CAN change, only if you allow the change to occur. It is NOT possible to begin to change, think you have it down, then throw it all away. The thing about change is that it has to occur from the inside-out. It has to move you. But if it doesn't completely finish, you end up in a circle. Circles aren't fun. Who has ever driven around circles, and not gotten dizzy? There are three things I've learned about myself. I have strength, I have God, and I still am the girl I was. I have been living in this same skin for almost 18 years now. That little girl who dreamed of New York, ran in her Papa's field, who played with Barbies.... She's still there. It's okay to remember her, to hold on to her, to strive to be her. But, I want to be a mature version of her. I believe that's what everyone wants sometimes. To remember things that define them, but to push on. I believe in second chances, because I've needed so many. I wish that I could have all the answers sometimes, but then life would be no fun. I wish that I could know where I'm going, but I sure know I am getting there. I believe that Jesus loves that carefree girl, more than the one with all of the worries of the world.I believe that Jesus loves who I am, but he misses who I was, because that girl was striving to be better. Well, Jesus always loves us the same... but I think he believes she was more fun. I can feel that Jesus wants me to be her, but I went through this so she could be stronger. Jesus doesn't ever want us to lose ourselves, He just wants us to get better at being that person, for him.  I love the life I have been blessed with. I love the people who see potential in me. I love that the girl in those pants is coming back. I love that I have the guts to storm into the cafeteria, wearing that outfit, going up to someone I don't know again. I love that we all get lost, yet, everyone finds there way to the path they should take. I love the girl who stormed into the cafeteria, because I believe she's the free part of me that's always been running. She's got me running again.

The bathroom floor.

Strength. It's something that the world sees in me, yet I can't lift the weight of the world. Sometimes, I believe that we are to sit in pain. We are to just sit there. That way, we can find out way around it, once we're out. I wish that I was Hercules. I wish that I could beat anything I faced. But the truth is, sometimes I believe I can't. There are some things that I'm going to fail at, or fall down upon, and those things are the ones I dwell on. I wish when I believed this, God would just come down and snatch me up. I wish God would just take us out of situations that will make us lose ourselves. But then, when we lose ourselves... we find God. I wish I could be the perfect Christian. I wish I could do everything God tells me too. I wish I didn't act upon emotions. I wish I didn't even have emotions. But, the thing is not to wish, it is to do. Over the past year, I have never been tested as much as I have been lately. I don't understand where I am supposed to go, feel, or even what to do. But that's the funny thing, sometimes.... strength is jumping into confusion and the dark, just because you know there is a light at the end. Lights are funny. They are always somewhere. I have never been in a pitch black dark room. Somehow, my eyes always adjust. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do with situations in life... just adjust our eyes in the dark. Look towards the Lord. Look towards what is inside of ourselves. Look towards our hearts. I always cry on the floor of my bathroom. I don't know why. But every intimate moment I have ever had with God, has been on my bathroom floor. I've found that when I am face first, on my bathroom floor, well that's when I find strength. It's when I am at my weakest, that God is at his strongest. It is when I have no where to go but the bathroom floor, that my bathroom becomes God's kingdom. See, God is funny. He usually uses the worst things, to make the best thing for His name. Kind of like me. I am one of the worst human's on the earth. There are many things I could be better at. Yet, somehow, God wants to use me. God is shaping me for His name. The moments when I feel most intimate with God, are the ones where I am sobbing, begging for his mercy or help. The moments where I am in complete need of Him. Lately, people have known me as the girl grasping for something else. As the girl wanting something she couldn't have. The girl who isn't the joyful person she used to be. I'm known for things I don't want to be. But, I know, that if I hadn't become this person... I wouldn't know who I wanted to be. I wouldn't have room to grow. I wouldn't know that something better was out there. That there was a better me out there, a better me... in Jesus. See, I don't have strength. I never will. But I have Jesus and He always does. The world was never meant to be lifted out of my shoulders - because as the Bible says, I have to carry my cross. I have to carry the things that are hardest for me to bear. I have to carry what feels like the world, so that the one day I finally can look the Lord in the eyes, I can carry His robe. I believe that there is strength in every single person, because there is Jesus in every person. It's not up to us to find it. It's just up to us to search it and believe in it. It's up to us to fall face forward on our bathroom floor. It's up to us to press on. It's up to us to carry the weight of the world. We can choose dwelling on our thoughts and we make our choices. It's up to us to do a lot, but it's not up to us to give up. That's never an option. Hercules never gave up, and neither should we.

Seagulls.

Seagulls. They are some of the most beautiful creatures in the world. Why? Because of their wings. The way they take off, high above the sea. They are beautiful when they fly, because they are so free. People? Nope. We don’t get that luxury. We don’t get to fly. The fastest we get to go by ourselves, the freest we get to be, is when we run. Humans run all the time. They run from fears, from hopes, from love, from God, from themselves. Humans run. To fly, now that would be unthinkable. To be free is the last thing on our mind. See, I’ve always been a runner. I’ve been fascinated by the way the body moves, the way the mind works, the blood the body pumps when this happens. I run from everything. My fears. My hopes. Myself. My God. But one thing I haven’t done lately is run from love. I’m sitting on the beach right now in the exact spot that last time I was here, so was the one thing that’s kept me standing still. Today, I finally faced God, myself, and my fears. I walked about 8 miles on the beach today; crying, praying, begging, searching for something... But alI found was an idea. I wrote on two pieces of paper, two entirely different things. I wrote a letter to God, and a letter to the person I’ve stood still for. The second letter was the first I got rid of. It held all of my thoughts, feelings, pain, happiness, and love for this person. I ripped it up, until there was nothing really left. I lifted my hands and threw the pieces in air, they landed in the ocean. I watched the waves take them over... and then I walked away. See that’s the funny things about fears; when you finally face them, it’s usually when you've already overcome them. My letter to God contained scariness, heartache, pain, joy, sorrow, disappointment, and love for Him.  This one meant a little bit more to me, see, because He is my creator. He loves me more than I can love myself. I dug a hole in the sand, not far from where I threw the first one, and buried it. I hope one day, someone finds that letter. I hope it changes their world. If not, I pray that it becomes one with the sand. That it gets swept into the ocean. That way, one day, it can truly be evaporated and in the air, with Jesus. I believe deep down in my soul, my fears have been overcome. Somewhere, I have faced the world. It’s just up to me to listen, and find that place. I wrote my biggest fear in the sand, and watched it was away. This time, I ran away. But I don’t want to run anymore. I want to fly. My hopes are the only thing I have left to discuss with you, before my final words on this page are done. “But I have hope in God” are the words I wrote in the sand, near the edge of the road so it wouldn’t get washed away anytime soon. See, hopes are funny too... they can sometimes be the things you feared. Seagulls get that. They dive into the water hoping to get a fish, but they would rather be soaring. They land on shore hoping to be left alone. Seagulls are so lucky, they get to fly. But I believe, when you become one with the world, God, and yourself... you look around, and your feet are off the ground. And even the seagulls can't touch you.

2,880 seconds to go.

You only have two days left on this earth. You have a total of 48 hours to do everything you wanted to do. 2,880 seconds to say what you have always wanted to say. What moves would you make? Oh, you're asking what moves would I make? I'd make every move I've always wanted to make. I would swing as high as I could, and jump out of the swing. I would put really red lipstick on and go kiss as many car windows as I could find. I'd go out into the middle of a field and scream as loud as I wanted to. My car speedometer would hit at least 125 MPH, on a back road in Darlington. I'd get married, to the person I was in love with. I would then ... you know the rest. I'd tell every person I saw, about Christ. I'd text all of my friends, and tell them how much they meant to me. My ipod would play for 48 hours, because I would have to listen to all of my favorite songs. I would hop on a train and see how far I got. I would ask a cop if I could ride in the back of his car, and actually do it. I would skinny dip in a lake, when no one was around but me. I would read my favorite passages in the Bible. I'd tell every person who hurt me, how they hurt me, and why. I would tell every person that shaped me, how they did and why. I would write a letter to Audrey Hepburn. Breakfast at Tiffany's would be a movie that I watched. I bet I would buy a reallyyyy expensive pair of shoes by Steve Madden. Then I would write Steve Madden a letter about how much he inspired me. I would leave all of my money to the first homeless person I saw. I would wish upon a star. I would laugh until I cried. I would choke because I was laughing so hard. I would put on my ballet pointe shoes again, and dance around until I fell on the ground. I would praise God with everything in me. I would lay on the ground in praise of the life He let me live. There are so many things that I would do just to feel joy on my last day. Have you ever thought about that? When your last day will be? What will it consist of? What if you knew how long you would have? What if you lived it to the fullest of your ability? Think about it. Everyday is a day to make this happen. Everyday is the day to enjoy to the hilt. Everyday is the day to find the slightest bit of happiness. No one can choose your thoughts, your actions, or your joy, but you. You choose what you think, do, and get joy out of. You choose your own happiness. I believe that if the world got a grasp of the meaning of this, so much could be done. Next time you begin to think about something bad, just think about if it happened on the last day of your life. Would it matter? Would you let that be the last thing you remember as you exit this earth? Wouldn't you rather think about all the good times? Wouldn't you rather just participate in the good times? I'm not saying life is always going to be  grand, because that would be a lie. BUT, life is always what you make it. Humans can choose to dwell on something, or choose to change their wants. If you made a list like this, and actuallly fulfilled everything on this list, wouldn't you have had some joy? Ask yourself... what would you do on your last day? Who would you spend your last breath on this earth with? Where would you run wild, or where would you cage yourself in? When you have these answers, change things in your life to show them. Change things in your life like your eternity depends on it. Change it like you have 2,880 seconds to go.

A word is a word.

I remember the first time I ever sat down and wrote something. Honestly, I had nothing to say. I didn't know where the blank page in front of me would take me, but I knew I needed to go there. I wrote a letter to God. I was twelve years old. Ever since that day, I have found my words through writing. I can type an entire page, with some good meaning... and erase it. See, to me, writing is my way of communication. I feel that the thoughts which run through my head when I'm alone, are the key thoughts in my soul. I don't know where this is going to take me, but I know I need to go there. Words are such a meaningful thing, and if you know me at all, you know I use them a lot. I use words to explain everything. Every feeling. Every thought. Every emotion. Every memory. Every pain. Every smile. Everything. Words are crucial, because sometimes, if you don't use them at all... you lose it all. Words can break a heart, mend it back together... sometimes words can even mean a miracle. It's the words that you don't say, that are the ones you usually need to. It's kind of like the quote "get your heart, to tell your mind, to tell your mouth what it needs to say." A lot of times, what's in your heart, doesn't come out through your mouth. There are words that define me, and words I define myself by. Words are important, but it's your actions that mean more. How often do we hear people say something, yet they never follow through? In the old days, your word was all you had. It doesn't matter what you say, it doesn't matter what you believe with everything inside of you that you mean... unless you act upon it. It's kind of like your relationship with Christ. You can say He is Lord all you want, because pretty much everyone knows He is... but it's your actions that determine whether you believe this or not. I attended a funeral for a woman I didn't know, because of a very important person in my life that needed me there. I did not know this woman, but the way she was spoken of made me tear up. When I die, I don't want people to say "wow, she was great with words." I want people to say "wow, she was great with actions." Words on paper, or computers, or memories all get lost. But your actions, things you do, the way you move, are things that go on forever in not only your own life, but in other's lives. This past summer, I believed all of the words in the dictionary could change people's thoughts about me. I thought the promises I made, even if I didn't keep them, well that they were enough because I had at least promised someone. At the end of the day, people didn't want to be around me because they knew how it would end: broken promises and no actions. I have not completely mastered integrity, but I am working on it. Saying this, just kind of defeats everything. I can say it, but if I don't live it... it doesn't mean a thing. Words are important, and they can change someone's life. But actions are the defining point, because they can change the world. Have you ever thought about the things you've done to people, or said to them, that could change their entire life or world? Have you ever wondered why the people you love look at you out of hurt or anger? Is it always because of them? Is it because of unrealistic expectations on you? Is it because of something you did? I've found, that when people are mostly hurt by your words or actions, is when they needed to hear something different than what you said. Maybe they were in love with you, poured out their heart to you, but got nothing in return. Maybe they were your best friend, who was at the lowest point in their life, and you only saw their failures. Maybe their parents, when they needed an idea of greater love in their life, told them they were falling apart. There are so many situations in which words, and actions, define someone's guarded heart or guarded emotions. But there are times that words can break through the ice, and break through someone's pain, to love. Whatever words are used for, let your actions speak louder. Because at the end of the day; a word is a word and an action is an action. But would you rather someone tell you what they wanted to tell you, or show you? Even if it is a slap in the face, or a kiss on the lips... I promise that most likely, you will remember an action in 40 years, rather than the words someone said to you.

9:39:32 - the time.

Legend has it, that before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes. People always say they "live their life crazy, so it's something good to watch." I don't believe this. I believe that the moments when you feel free, broken, joyful, beautiful, and at one with yourself, are the moments that live on with you forever. I know moments I will remember until my death bed. Like the first time I danced as a ballerina on stage. The time I met my best friend, who's been through it all since the age of three, on a tricycle. Or the first time I had my heart broken in 8th grade, and I couldn't stop playing the song "Best I Ever Had," because I believed that was the best I would ever have. Little did I know, I would look back on that and laugh. The first time I lost my innocence. The first time I ever wrote a song. I still have it, it's called "Meant to be." The time when a lady told me I would never be a cheerleader. The night I received the title of Homecoming Queen. I remember the first boy I really think I ever loved, and how he brought me a rose, with a note telling me how amazing he thought I was. The time I drove home to Taylor Swift's song "Last Kiss" and cried the entire way, because I realized what I had to let go of. The time I accepted Jesus into my life, then my world got turned upside down crazy good. The one time, my best friend, who taught me a lot, and I went on a photography spree. She discovered her passion, I felt beautiful. When my dad got in a car accident and broke his rib cage, but no one would tell me. I got locked out of my house when I was five, because it was on fire. I remember being stood up on my first "middle school date," because I cried the entire way home. When I got to go to New York, I never wanted to go anywhere else again. I got to see John Mayer, with my best friend, and we stood about 50 feet away from him. The time I asked the boy who meant the world to me to meet me in the back of my neighborhood, I jumped out of the car in my tri-hi-y dress, gave him a rose, and asked him to dance with me to our song. He laughed at me, but I got him to dance. On the way home, I just thought about how scared I was to ever let him go. I remember the last time I kissed him and what it felt like. The time when my parents told me they were having marriage problems. The time that they told me they had really begun to fix their marriage. When I got to drive by myself for the first time, I thought I would never be more excited. The first time I sat in my room, crying all night, because my heart was shattered. I also recall, the first time I cried because of how much strength I had through true heart break.  But most of all, I remember the time I looked in the mirror and realized who I was. There are so many more memories to define that girl. There are so many memories I wish I could remember. There are so many moments that, if God allowed them to continue on forever, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I believe in memories. I believe that they make you who you are. The lessons you learn from the mistakes and memories, are the lessons that shape you. Do not EVER let someone take a memory away from you. "Don't regret anything, because at the time it was everything you wanted" is the stupidest lesson I've ever heard. No regrets, yeah, good lesson. But everything you do, is not always what you want. Over the next 6 months, until I graduate high school, I am going to make some of the best memories of my life. I promise you, everything that I do within those 6 months will not be what I want to do. Yes, it will be what God wants me to do. It still doesn't change the fact that things are tough. Memories are beautiful. Memories are hurtful. Memories are glorious. Memories are me. Memories are you. Memories are us. But, if you have a memory that you can't let go of for a good reason... hold onto it. It just proves that there is something better out in the world, that you have yet to discover again. So live like a little child. This way, you laugh, get hurt, laugh again. And out of those three things, I promise you'll remember your favorite part. Make your life worth watching, not only by yourself, but everyone around you.

Rearview mirror.

Have you ever wondered where you are going? Who you are going to become? I think that all of those questions are and aren't determined by where you've been. I think you must learn from your past. I think you must not let it define you. Over the past year, I have realized not only how strong I am, but how strong the Lord is. I've given up my body, I lost myself, God found me, I've lost friends, had my heart broken, fallen for a boy, met people who believe in me, I fought Him for the longest time, my home life has fallen apart and I've been faced with who I am. I've also been faced with who I need to be. There are two different kinds of people in this life. One's that look out the windshield and one's that stare into the rearview mirror. I've found that the windshield is bigger for a reason, because you must look forward. I've waited for 17 years to become as strong as I am now. The thing about it? God and I can only grow stronger from here. Heart break does a funny thing to you. Friendship does a funny thing to you. Family does a funny thing to you. But love, now that's where it's at. It's when you selfishly love something, that you don't let it go. When you love something, that be a person or thing or God, somehow it always finds it's way back to you. If it doesn't, then at least you had a moment where the world was yours and that person, thing or God's. It was just the two of you. When the world is at your feet and you care about something, no matter how much it hurts, jump. Jump into God. Jump into the unknown. Jump into happiness. Jump into loneliness. Jump into sadness. Jump into hope. Jump into yourself. When you jump, it doesn't matter where you fall, what gets broken, what hits you in the face on the way down... all that matters is that you took a chance. If you don't take chances, are you ever going to get anywhere in life? You can scream, you can cry, you can even close your eyes... but you'll land somewhere. When you jump, aim for the sun. You may land among the clouds, but at least there you can dream. When you fall, God will catch you. If you hit the pavement, at least you made your mark. The world is rough. But the world without the Lord is rougher. I've found that I love flying. I love jumping into the unknown. I love, that no matter what I've done or who I've been, there is still an unknown. A day to change it all. A day to start over. There is nothing you can do tomorrow, that you can't do today. I believe that Jesus walks beside you, but his favorite thing to do is to leap into faith with you. I know that he has leaped with me every time and I've landed safely. When I leap into faith without him, well it's not really faith, so I hit concrete. If I could tell everyone one thing, no matter all of the quotes I post, advice I give, or smiles I send your way, I would want to tell you this... You are you. No one else can define you. No one else knows your heart like you do. No one else knows your relationship with yourself or Jesus like you do. No one in this world can love you like you love yourself. It all comes down to how much you can love someone more than yourself. Whatever way that may be. Friendship, parents or a lover. It's when you can love those people more than yourself, that you take a leap, believe and know that no matter the broken bones, screams, tears, or eye closing... You will land, smile and say that was one heck of a ride.

Marilyn with her red lips.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 
— Marilyn Monroe


Ahh, the famous Marilyn Monroe. She was such a lost woman, but she spoke so many truths. Everything happens, because you are supposed to learn something from it. Only strong people don't make the same mistakes, and can truly learn. I hear so often, "why do things change?" Well, they change, so that you can learn about yourself and how much strength you have. If the world stayed the same, it wouldn't be only boring, but we would get no where. Things go wrong all the time, in everyone's world. It's just how it is. But things go wrong, so you can look back and appreciate the time spent when it was going good. Or so that the next time, you can take it all in and enjoy it when it's right. We all believe lies. But "a wise woman listens, but doesn't believe." Friends, guys, girls, parents, family, babies... everyone lies. You just have to not only figure out the truths, but know the only people you can trust are yourself and God. Good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. Yes, because when you have good, why would you settle? Why not strive for the best? If it's one thing I've learned this summer, especially for girls... don't settle for good, when you deserve the best. Girls you deserve a guy who only sees you when you walk into the room. A guy who knows where he wants to go in life, and is running after that. A guy, no matter how many girls he's had before you, doesn't even remember their names when he's with you. A guy who would crawl over broken glass, just to see you smile. A guy who knows that even though he has never met every other woman in the world, you are the only one that mattes. A guy who doesn't treat you like a queen, but like Christ treated the church and loved it. Don't settle for a man who treats you anything less than the world. When you begin to care about someone more than they care about you, get out. No matter what. It may be the hardest thing you ever have to do. But Christ died for us, and yes as the church, we love Jesus... but we could never love him as much as he's loved us. You deserve for the man to be Christ, and to love you more than you love him. So often I see girls, myself included, that settle with heartbreak. Everyone is gonna break your heart at one time. It's when your heart is broken, that you truly find who you are. You find out what you're made of. And if you can find happiness in all of that sadness, then you are a strong person. And friends. Why do we settle for friends? Bad friendships fall apart, so we can find someone else to stand beside. I've lost so many friends through the middle school and high school years... but you deserve a friend who would drive across town and be there at 4 in the morning, if you just needed someone to talk to. A friend that puts themselves first, because we are human we all do it, but allows you to be first sometimes. A friend that keeps your secrets when they should be kept. You deserve a friend who will stand beside you in the rain. You know, friendships and relationships are the hardest things. You've just got to find someone worth all of the pain. Pain pushes you on. There are many types of pains. But it's back to the lies. You've got to figure out for yourself what type of pain is worth enduring, or what type is the kind we are meant to let go. When you finally let go of the pain, begin to see appreciate things when they are right, trust only yourself, and know that better things come from good things aftermath... when you do all of these things, you realize Marilyn Monroe may have been lost, but she got it right.

The shovel of God.

Have you ever lost sight of who you were? Not because you meant to, but because you finally settled. One of my best friends, Stella, told me the other day that she thought I would never slow down. She reminded me of my dreams to move to New York and fall in love. She reminded me of who I was. She reminded me of who I still am, now that I can see clearly. When I fell in love with God, I didn't have to give up my dreams. I had to give up pursuing them, if they weren't what God wanted for me. I thought losing sight of who I was came along with giving God control. I settled these past few months. I've been settling since January of this year. Actually, I've been settling my whole life. God deserves my best, and he will never cause me to settle. He will provide the best out there for me, including a career, man, and friends. "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed, some women aren't meant to run wild and free until they find someone who can run with them." Why do we settle? I've found that when we settle, it's harder to move on. You know why? Because we aren't giving ourselves enough credit, so we feel like there is something more left. When we do not live the lives God has called us to live, we settle deeper, deeper, and deeper into the dirt, causing it to be harder for us to get out. But I've learned, especially now that all is said and done, that I have a pretty good shovel - God. Have you ever fought for something? Fought with it all of your might? And fought until you almost killed yourself? Well I have. And don't ever fight for another person, who doesn't want to be fought for. Don't give your heart to someone, that doesn't believe in you. Don't fight for anything other than God's glory and will. Have you ever lost sight of who you were, because of something you've fought for? I have. This is a new year. I'm finally a senior. A senior. I have my whole life before me. My heart is finally in the right place, and I can look forward to my future with God. I know now who I am. Who I want to be. And who I was. i will never be here again, I promise. For once in my life, I will learn without making the same mistake twice. I have finally let go. And i'm fighting for God now. That's it. Because God is the only one who can run with me, until I know it's okay, not to settle, but slow down.

The five things.

What do you do when you've given everything you've got and you just feel like giving in? You push on. When you get to this point, don't push on for the same reasons. There are five things that I am working on right now, and these things are changing all of my reasons. Trust, following, patience, forgiveness and happiness. Trust is something that I do way to easily, which is why I always end up back in the same place. I must trust the Lord, with everything in me, that there are plans bigger than the ones I have set my heart on. Have you ever thought about that? When God has your heart and you set it on something other than His glory, you are stealing it away because it is no longer yours. I must trust in the Lord with all of my friendships, relationships, and the futures that come out of any of those. Following is something that I do not do very well. I have always been told I am a leader, but I think that's just because I fight for what I believe in. I have never let anyone stand in the way of my dreams. But I have never had to surrender, and give someone else control. Why is it that we are driven by pain, and not by the will of the Lord? I MUST give Lord control, because I am not doing a very good job at it. Following behind someone who knows everything you've ever seen, more than you do, and everything you haven't, should not be so hard. Has God made it so hard to follow him, offering rewards if we do? or are we just stubborn? Patience. It's such a simple word, but it describes time. Time is the center of everything. Patience must come with  school, falling in love, friendships, and growing up. Time is all around us. But I know that I must learn to be patient, because the Lord has it all in his own time. What is a year? What is a decade? It is a blink in God's eye. Think about that next time you want to rush something.. you have eternity with God. Time doesn't matter, if your using it for His glory. Forgiveness, not forgetfulness. People say you should always forgive, never forget. I beg to differ. When you are legitimately forgiven, then it is legitimately forgotten. I have screwed up so many times, and so has every other thing with air in it's lungs. But I believe that not forgiving someone only hurts you. They can continue on with their lives, while the whole time you are left hurt and torn. Not getting forgiveness from someone is also hard sometimes, especially when you've forgiven them time after time. God did not call us to hold "unforgiveness" in our hearts, he did tell us to forgive and I honestly think he wants us to forget. Happiness. One thing i've learned is it comes from inside. This summer, I lost myself. I lost the person that I was, while searching for who I wanted to be. I know now who I want to be, and that person is happy. I love being happy, just as much as anyone else does, so why do we live off of pain? Why does pain drive us so much further than happiness? We learn more from pain, than we do happiness because we take it for granted. But happiness shouldn't be just when things are going good. Happiness should be obvious when things are going bad. When things are going bad, you should be thankful that you've had something to fight for or to lose. When you're happy because things are good, you aren't truly happy. It's when things are bad, and you're happy, that you are one of a kind. I don't want to be happy when things are good, I've learned that I can be happy, even more so, when things are bad. God is happiness. God is truthful and trustworthy. God is THE leader. God is patient. God is forgiving. God is what I know can help me with these five things.

It's about learning.

At the beginning of this summer, I asked myself a question... What are you gonna learn? Now at the end of the summer, I can finally answer it. I have learned who God is. I have learned that I am way to easy to read, and that life with a little mystery is good. I've learned that i must not say everything I feel. I've learned that it is okay to feel. I've learned that people don't always want to hear about you, actually they never do. I've learned that the only truth you can trust are your own words and God's. I've learned that the people you thought would be there, wouldn't be. You shouldn't say everything you feel. You shouldn't believe everything you see. I've learned that everything happens, not for a reason, but for a lesson. I've learned that boys are stupid, but girls are stupider. People will have an opinion of you, and no matter what you say, you can't change that. But if you believe in who you are, you will know that it's not true and begin to show the world. I've learned that summer isn't just about tanning and the beach, it's about devotion and finding yourself. Hearts break. It's okay to admit that. I've learned that you truly do learn from your parents. I've learned that the happiest times, are when you are happy with yourself. I've learned that the true best friends are there, even when they aren't. I've learned that you should never give up your passion and trade it in. You should never give up your body, girls, to anyone other than your husband. Any part of it. Because when he's gone, he'll have that part. And God deserves your all. I've learned that God doesn't want you to give up your dreams, he just wants to change them to bigger ones. I've learned that the dreams you have, can't be as beautiful as the ones God does. This summer has shown that the best things come out of heartbreak. Because when you lose yourself, is when you gain the world. Especially when you lose yourself by giving it up to God. I've learned that mistakes are made and smiles fade. Pain may be in the night, but joy comes in the morning. I've learned that people are beautiful, inside and out. This summer has grown me up more than any other summer before. This summer has been amazing. So ask yourself, "What are you gonna learn?"

So I beat you. I'm five. You're old. Gonna cry?

This past Sunday, a little kid at my church gave me the best advice I've ever heard... "Don't give up. So I beat you. I'm five. You're old. You gonna cry?"

I started thinking about this. How often do we see people give up? Every day. Every single day, someone takes the easy way out. Why is it that this little kid, at five years old, understand what so many people can't see? Humans give up way to easily. They see something they want, they go for it. If it isn't what they expected it to be, they move on to the next thing. I believe that when you don't give up on something, you truly see the potential of it. There are so many things in my life that I could have given up on. My faith. I could continue to seek my own plans, or trust in God & fight my old ways. My friends. Love. Happiness. When I was 15, I started running for a hobby. The first day I got out there, it took me 30 minutes to run a mile. Today, it takes me 30 minutes to run 2.5 miles. I didn't give up. Fear is such a funny thing. It's a four letter word, but yet it is the only thing that keeps us from living. People don't follow God, because the fear of losing yourself and having someone else plan you're life. People don't fall head over heels for someone, because they are scared the other person won't fall either. People are scared of change, because they are so comfortable with their own lives. Fear keeps us from truly living. I'm at this point in my life, where I can fight for who I want to be and the people I want to be around me. If my fear of getting hurt, losing myself for God, or changing were to keep me from that, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I've never been scared, and you shouldn't be either. It's during the free falls of life that people feel the wind. Right now, I'm free falling and when I hit the bottom, I'm not scared. I've got a parachute, his name is God. Am I going to cry about all of the things I'm scared of in life? Or am I going let my fears push me out into the unknown, and not give up? I won't give up. Because Christ didn't die on the cross, for you to give up your fight.

The fourth quarter.

For 18 years of your life, you are forced to live under your parents care and to go to school. Whether it be public or private school, it's still required. It's when you start wrapping up that last year of these requirements, that you start to look back on who you were, all of the memories,  and who you have become. Imagine the last year of your high school career coming up and looking back. Do you enjoy what you see? There are so many lessons to learn in this world, so many things to see, do & feel. I look back and I see myself running. I've always called myself a runner. I have found that the things I've enjoyed most in life flee way to quickly anyways, so why stand still? Life is beautiful at a fast pace. Don't slow down for anyone. I used to search for people on this earth who would never let you down and would be a reason to stop. There is no such thing. The only one who will never let you down is God. But you have to find the people in your life that are worth walking for, since life never stops. When you find those people, don't let them go. Hold on until they are the ones running. God has given me a reason to stop. He has slowed me down and I see the world from such a beautiful place now. I've always been told that I'm changing, but that's because I'm finding where I belong. All I know is that I belong running, walking, skipping, jumping, whatever it is God has called me to be. For three years of high school, I searched for who I was. I am finally going in my senior year, knowing who I want to be. Senior Year... whoah. I had so many plans for the way that this would be, the friends I would have, the guy I would spend it with. I look back and I see a girl wanting to be someone the world labeled her to be. A girl who wanted to be liked. Alcohol, drugs, sexual things and vanity all ruled my life. But now that I look back, I just wanted to find happiness. Some of the happiest things I have ever felt is when I finally found a best friend who tells the truth and will be there, when I realized God has been fighting for me all along, when the guy of my dreams looked at my and smiled after he got off an airplane, when I finally looked in the mirror and thought I was beautiful, when my father & mother sat me down and told me why they were happy I was their daughter... so many things have made me happy. And none of them are the things that I thought would bring me happiness. I look back and I see high school as a game with four quarters, and my last quarter is coming up. There won't be overtime, because I've given it my all. With 12 minutes left in the game, I see that high school is about searching for yourself, who you want to be, who you don't want to be, who you were and happiness.  The happiest of my times were when I was happy with myself. And I am happiest with myself, when I am given my life to God. The fourth quarter is gonna be over before I know it... but it's just getting started. I'm going to give it my all, do what God needs me to do in my school & community, and I'm going to end this one happy with the time spent. I'm going to end blessed to know the other players on my team or the other team. I realize that I keep talking about the end. But why start something, if you don't know what you want out of it? This is only the beginning. :)