Broken CD's and broken hearts.

"WHY!?" I scream, tears rolling down my face. "Why me, God? Why did this have to happen to me? Why can't you just take all of this away? Pick me up. I'm begging..." God didn't reply. The stop sign didn't move. The car sat right there. That stupid cd still playing. I grab it, hold it in my hands, shaking.. in between my fingers... and it snapped. Into a million little pieces. On this CD, there had been the name of a band and a heart. But now, all throughout the car, there were shattered pieces. Kind of like my life. As I sat there sobbing, about to drive out onto the main highway, I realized something: the cd shattered all over my car, and in my hands, was like my life. That moment, all of the pain, sadness, and agony I was feeling was being taken out on a stupid little CD. A CD that didn't do anything to me, but the things it held on it were promises only broken. A CD that just wanted to be listened to. A CD that just wanted to be heard. A CD that just wanted to be loved. Just like me. That's the funny thing about promises, sometimes they aren't kept. Even if they can't be, it doesn't change the fact that are broken. See, that CD can't reply, it can't change anything, but it was still broken. I sit in this spot... probably 30 minutes. I beg God to just perform a miracle. Just save me from my myself. Just take every thing I feel away. Just take the unforgiveness. Just take the love I feel. Just take the wants I have. Just use a miracle on me, because I know You aren't short of one, Lord. Still nothing. So I'm crying harder now. I'm still here. Sitting at this stop sign. Asking God for an answer. But I'm supposed to be on the way to the house of my favorite people in the world, who love me more than I know. I pick my head up, and I look down... there are some big pieces still left. I grab all of the ones I see.. until there are a million more pieces. My hand is bleeding from a piece of glass stuck in between my thumb and pointer finger. How is it that in trying to release my pain, I caused more? "This isn't the way it is supposed to work... This isn't the way it is supposed to go!" I scream, still thinking God is going to reply back. I hate silence, especially the moment after I say this. "It wasn't supposed to be this way..." As I say this, I glance down to the corner of my floorboard on the drivers side. There is still a piece left. I pick it up. It is the heart that I drew on the CD. But... a piece of it is missing. A piece of it is gone. So I try to break it, like I feel my heart is. It won't break. I cry, until I hear a voice inside of my head. "This CD is you, Lauren." "Yeah, because it's broken. Look at that heart, it's not even a full one. The words are all in pieces, the name has been taken away." "But, my beautiful child, it's you." "How? God!?... Where'd you go? GOD!" No reply. I sat there, wondering how I could hear Him again. It hits me. It hits me more than anything has ever hit me in my life. That CD was me. It was supposed to be this way, because somehow it played a part in me. It is making me stronger, more understanding, and more Godly. Because I had let something besides God break me. Something that I had no control over. See, my life didn't do anything to me. The way I reacted did. And in that process of reaction, I tore apart my life. I tore about my soul. I tore apart me. I tore apart my love for my God. See, God had never left. He was never not there. He was never leaving me out in the cold, in a car, at a stop sign. Sometimes, God wants us to figure things out for ourselves. He wants us to rely on Him, in us. How would we learn anything if He just took our lesson away from us? He was there. And He was begging me to drive. I couldn't move. That heart on the CD wasn't a full heart... but only a piece of it was missing. Maybe that's what my heart will always be like. Maybe a part of it will always be with someone else, because there will always be that love I felt. There will always be that heartbreak. There will always be those memories. My name was shattered, because of who I had become. The words that described the band's name were like the dreams and plans I had made; stripped away. And I hold that piece of the CD in my hand, knowing that this is what is left. This is the best I can do with this CD. But you know what? I can sure as heck make another one. I can burn another CD, when the time is right. I can draw hearts all over it, I can put the bands name... when the time is right. When the pain is gone, when I am me again, when sitting in my car listening to it won't bring me to tears. This is my life. Maybe I messed up one CD, but I have a millon more opportuinites to sing along. And maybe when the time is right, that one messed up CD can be burnt again. But if not, I will always have the melody in my head. So i put the last piece down, kind of like my heart in Jesus' hands... the last part of my heart that is together. I look up, look both ways... turn the steering wheel left, which is where I first found the last piece of the CD... and I exit onto the road, taking me to the people who will help me put my life back together. The people who love me most in this world. The people who see me at my worst, but know me at my best. I realize, I'm on my way. I'm scared what I am going to face on this road, maybe I'll even be hit by a car... but it doesn't matter. I'm on my way to love. I'm on my way to God. I'm on my way to putting the pieces of that CD back together. I'm on my way from the person I never want to become again. I'm on my way to the person I'm meant to be. I'm on my way to a place I can be myself. I'm on my way to strength. I'm on my way somewhere. And that's what matters most.