The girl who stormed into the cafeteria.

"I remember the girl I had never met before, storming into the lunch room, with these HUGE parachute looking pants on and a flowing flowered shirt. She stormed up to our table, only to say that she was skipping class. I remember her laughing, then walking away... as I stared and wondered 'Who the HECK was that girl?' I remember her telling me about her dreams of living in New York, and falling in love. She's always believed in love. She was beautiful inside and out, and still is. I remember THAT Lauren, not this one" were the words that my best friend spoke to me as I sat there and cried in Starbucks. If you've met me over the past 9 months, you have met the Lauren I'm not. The Lauren who lost everything she had sight of. I believe that people do this from time to time. How else are you supposed to love the person you are, if you don't know who you aren't? See, I've always been a dreamer. I've always believed in love. But that's the one thing that is still a worldly view. I've never let Jesus have that, because it's part of who I've always been. How can I say that I trust in God, but don't trust in the main thing He is an expert on... love. Have you ever had a map, yet, you still get lost? Have you ever tried everything you can to jump on the train you should be catching, but you keep missing the doors? Have you ever watched a leaf fall, only to be kicked around again? There is something in common with all of these - not being where you are meant to be. I remember when I knew where I was supposed to be. When I had sight of the place I was going, yet somehow I'm still going there. I believe that reputations can be restored, hearts can be mended, and trust can be gained back... only if people will open their eyes to them. I have found that you CAN change, only if you allow the change to occur. It is NOT possible to begin to change, think you have it down, then throw it all away. The thing about change is that it has to occur from the inside-out. It has to move you. But if it doesn't completely finish, you end up in a circle. Circles aren't fun. Who has ever driven around circles, and not gotten dizzy? There are three things I've learned about myself. I have strength, I have God, and I still am the girl I was. I have been living in this same skin for almost 18 years now. That little girl who dreamed of New York, ran in her Papa's field, who played with Barbies.... She's still there. It's okay to remember her, to hold on to her, to strive to be her. But, I want to be a mature version of her. I believe that's what everyone wants sometimes. To remember things that define them, but to push on. I believe in second chances, because I've needed so many. I wish that I could have all the answers sometimes, but then life would be no fun. I wish that I could know where I'm going, but I sure know I am getting there. I believe that Jesus loves that carefree girl, more than the one with all of the worries of the world.I believe that Jesus loves who I am, but he misses who I was, because that girl was striving to be better. Well, Jesus always loves us the same... but I think he believes she was more fun. I can feel that Jesus wants me to be her, but I went through this so she could be stronger. Jesus doesn't ever want us to lose ourselves, He just wants us to get better at being that person, for him.  I love the life I have been blessed with. I love the people who see potential in me. I love that the girl in those pants is coming back. I love that I have the guts to storm into the cafeteria, wearing that outfit, going up to someone I don't know again. I love that we all get lost, yet, everyone finds there way to the path they should take. I love the girl who stormed into the cafeteria, because I believe she's the free part of me that's always been running. She's got me running again.