The bathroom floor.

Strength. It's something that the world sees in me, yet I can't lift the weight of the world. Sometimes, I believe that we are to sit in pain. We are to just sit there. That way, we can find out way around it, once we're out. I wish that I was Hercules. I wish that I could beat anything I faced. But the truth is, sometimes I believe I can't. There are some things that I'm going to fail at, or fall down upon, and those things are the ones I dwell on. I wish when I believed this, God would just come down and snatch me up. I wish God would just take us out of situations that will make us lose ourselves. But then, when we lose ourselves... we find God. I wish I could be the perfect Christian. I wish I could do everything God tells me too. I wish I didn't act upon emotions. I wish I didn't even have emotions. But, the thing is not to wish, it is to do. Over the past year, I have never been tested as much as I have been lately. I don't understand where I am supposed to go, feel, or even what to do. But that's the funny thing, sometimes.... strength is jumping into confusion and the dark, just because you know there is a light at the end. Lights are funny. They are always somewhere. I have never been in a pitch black dark room. Somehow, my eyes always adjust. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do with situations in life... just adjust our eyes in the dark. Look towards the Lord. Look towards what is inside of ourselves. Look towards our hearts. I always cry on the floor of my bathroom. I don't know why. But every intimate moment I have ever had with God, has been on my bathroom floor. I've found that when I am face first, on my bathroom floor, well that's when I find strength. It's when I am at my weakest, that God is at his strongest. It is when I have no where to go but the bathroom floor, that my bathroom becomes God's kingdom. See, God is funny. He usually uses the worst things, to make the best thing for His name. Kind of like me. I am one of the worst human's on the earth. There are many things I could be better at. Yet, somehow, God wants to use me. God is shaping me for His name. The moments when I feel most intimate with God, are the ones where I am sobbing, begging for his mercy or help. The moments where I am in complete need of Him. Lately, people have known me as the girl grasping for something else. As the girl wanting something she couldn't have. The girl who isn't the joyful person she used to be. I'm known for things I don't want to be. But, I know, that if I hadn't become this person... I wouldn't know who I wanted to be. I wouldn't have room to grow. I wouldn't know that something better was out there. That there was a better me out there, a better me... in Jesus. See, I don't have strength. I never will. But I have Jesus and He always does. The world was never meant to be lifted out of my shoulders - because as the Bible says, I have to carry my cross. I have to carry the things that are hardest for me to bear. I have to carry what feels like the world, so that the one day I finally can look the Lord in the eyes, I can carry His robe. I believe that there is strength in every single person, because there is Jesus in every person. It's not up to us to find it. It's just up to us to search it and believe in it. It's up to us to fall face forward on our bathroom floor. It's up to us to press on. It's up to us to carry the weight of the world. We can choose dwelling on our thoughts and we make our choices. It's up to us to do a lot, but it's not up to us to give up. That's never an option. Hercules never gave up, and neither should we.