Seagulls.

Seagulls. They are some of the most beautiful creatures in the world. Why? Because of their wings. The way they take off, high above the sea. They are beautiful when they fly, because they are so free. People? Nope. We don’t get that luxury. We don’t get to fly. The fastest we get to go by ourselves, the freest we get to be, is when we run. Humans run all the time. They run from fears, from hopes, from love, from God, from themselves. Humans run. To fly, now that would be unthinkable. To be free is the last thing on our mind. See, I’ve always been a runner. I’ve been fascinated by the way the body moves, the way the mind works, the blood the body pumps when this happens. I run from everything. My fears. My hopes. Myself. My God. But one thing I haven’t done lately is run from love. I’m sitting on the beach right now in the exact spot that last time I was here, so was the one thing that’s kept me standing still. Today, I finally faced God, myself, and my fears. I walked about 8 miles on the beach today; crying, praying, begging, searching for something... But alI found was an idea. I wrote on two pieces of paper, two entirely different things. I wrote a letter to God, and a letter to the person I’ve stood still for. The second letter was the first I got rid of. It held all of my thoughts, feelings, pain, happiness, and love for this person. I ripped it up, until there was nothing really left. I lifted my hands and threw the pieces in air, they landed in the ocean. I watched the waves take them over... and then I walked away. See that’s the funny things about fears; when you finally face them, it’s usually when you've already overcome them. My letter to God contained scariness, heartache, pain, joy, sorrow, disappointment, and love for Him.  This one meant a little bit more to me, see, because He is my creator. He loves me more than I can love myself. I dug a hole in the sand, not far from where I threw the first one, and buried it. I hope one day, someone finds that letter. I hope it changes their world. If not, I pray that it becomes one with the sand. That it gets swept into the ocean. That way, one day, it can truly be evaporated and in the air, with Jesus. I believe deep down in my soul, my fears have been overcome. Somewhere, I have faced the world. It’s just up to me to listen, and find that place. I wrote my biggest fear in the sand, and watched it was away. This time, I ran away. But I don’t want to run anymore. I want to fly. My hopes are the only thing I have left to discuss with you, before my final words on this page are done. “But I have hope in God” are the words I wrote in the sand, near the edge of the road so it wouldn’t get washed away anytime soon. See, hopes are funny too... they can sometimes be the things you feared. Seagulls get that. They dive into the water hoping to get a fish, but they would rather be soaring. They land on shore hoping to be left alone. Seagulls are so lucky, they get to fly. But I believe, when you become one with the world, God, and yourself... you look around, and your feet are off the ground. And even the seagulls can't touch you.

2,880 seconds to go.

You only have two days left on this earth. You have a total of 48 hours to do everything you wanted to do. 2,880 seconds to say what you have always wanted to say. What moves would you make? Oh, you're asking what moves would I make? I'd make every move I've always wanted to make. I would swing as high as I could, and jump out of the swing. I would put really red lipstick on and go kiss as many car windows as I could find. I'd go out into the middle of a field and scream as loud as I wanted to. My car speedometer would hit at least 125 MPH, on a back road in Darlington. I'd get married, to the person I was in love with. I would then ... you know the rest. I'd tell every person I saw, about Christ. I'd text all of my friends, and tell them how much they meant to me. My ipod would play for 48 hours, because I would have to listen to all of my favorite songs. I would hop on a train and see how far I got. I would ask a cop if I could ride in the back of his car, and actually do it. I would skinny dip in a lake, when no one was around but me. I would read my favorite passages in the Bible. I'd tell every person who hurt me, how they hurt me, and why. I would tell every person that shaped me, how they did and why. I would write a letter to Audrey Hepburn. Breakfast at Tiffany's would be a movie that I watched. I bet I would buy a reallyyyy expensive pair of shoes by Steve Madden. Then I would write Steve Madden a letter about how much he inspired me. I would leave all of my money to the first homeless person I saw. I would wish upon a star. I would laugh until I cried. I would choke because I was laughing so hard. I would put on my ballet pointe shoes again, and dance around until I fell on the ground. I would praise God with everything in me. I would lay on the ground in praise of the life He let me live. There are so many things that I would do just to feel joy on my last day. Have you ever thought about that? When your last day will be? What will it consist of? What if you knew how long you would have? What if you lived it to the fullest of your ability? Think about it. Everyday is a day to make this happen. Everyday is the day to enjoy to the hilt. Everyday is the day to find the slightest bit of happiness. No one can choose your thoughts, your actions, or your joy, but you. You choose what you think, do, and get joy out of. You choose your own happiness. I believe that if the world got a grasp of the meaning of this, so much could be done. Next time you begin to think about something bad, just think about if it happened on the last day of your life. Would it matter? Would you let that be the last thing you remember as you exit this earth? Wouldn't you rather think about all the good times? Wouldn't you rather just participate in the good times? I'm not saying life is always going to be  grand, because that would be a lie. BUT, life is always what you make it. Humans can choose to dwell on something, or choose to change their wants. If you made a list like this, and actuallly fulfilled everything on this list, wouldn't you have had some joy? Ask yourself... what would you do on your last day? Who would you spend your last breath on this earth with? Where would you run wild, or where would you cage yourself in? When you have these answers, change things in your life to show them. Change things in your life like your eternity depends on it. Change it like you have 2,880 seconds to go.

A word is a word.

I remember the first time I ever sat down and wrote something. Honestly, I had nothing to say. I didn't know where the blank page in front of me would take me, but I knew I needed to go there. I wrote a letter to God. I was twelve years old. Ever since that day, I have found my words through writing. I can type an entire page, with some good meaning... and erase it. See, to me, writing is my way of communication. I feel that the thoughts which run through my head when I'm alone, are the key thoughts in my soul. I don't know where this is going to take me, but I know I need to go there. Words are such a meaningful thing, and if you know me at all, you know I use them a lot. I use words to explain everything. Every feeling. Every thought. Every emotion. Every memory. Every pain. Every smile. Everything. Words are crucial, because sometimes, if you don't use them at all... you lose it all. Words can break a heart, mend it back together... sometimes words can even mean a miracle. It's the words that you don't say, that are the ones you usually need to. It's kind of like the quote "get your heart, to tell your mind, to tell your mouth what it needs to say." A lot of times, what's in your heart, doesn't come out through your mouth. There are words that define me, and words I define myself by. Words are important, but it's your actions that mean more. How often do we hear people say something, yet they never follow through? In the old days, your word was all you had. It doesn't matter what you say, it doesn't matter what you believe with everything inside of you that you mean... unless you act upon it. It's kind of like your relationship with Christ. You can say He is Lord all you want, because pretty much everyone knows He is... but it's your actions that determine whether you believe this or not. I attended a funeral for a woman I didn't know, because of a very important person in my life that needed me there. I did not know this woman, but the way she was spoken of made me tear up. When I die, I don't want people to say "wow, she was great with words." I want people to say "wow, she was great with actions." Words on paper, or computers, or memories all get lost. But your actions, things you do, the way you move, are things that go on forever in not only your own life, but in other's lives. This past summer, I believed all of the words in the dictionary could change people's thoughts about me. I thought the promises I made, even if I didn't keep them, well that they were enough because I had at least promised someone. At the end of the day, people didn't want to be around me because they knew how it would end: broken promises and no actions. I have not completely mastered integrity, but I am working on it. Saying this, just kind of defeats everything. I can say it, but if I don't live it... it doesn't mean a thing. Words are important, and they can change someone's life. But actions are the defining point, because they can change the world. Have you ever thought about the things you've done to people, or said to them, that could change their entire life or world? Have you ever wondered why the people you love look at you out of hurt or anger? Is it always because of them? Is it because of unrealistic expectations on you? Is it because of something you did? I've found, that when people are mostly hurt by your words or actions, is when they needed to hear something different than what you said. Maybe they were in love with you, poured out their heart to you, but got nothing in return. Maybe they were your best friend, who was at the lowest point in their life, and you only saw their failures. Maybe their parents, when they needed an idea of greater love in their life, told them they were falling apart. There are so many situations in which words, and actions, define someone's guarded heart or guarded emotions. But there are times that words can break through the ice, and break through someone's pain, to love. Whatever words are used for, let your actions speak louder. Because at the end of the day; a word is a word and an action is an action. But would you rather someone tell you what they wanted to tell you, or show you? Even if it is a slap in the face, or a kiss on the lips... I promise that most likely, you will remember an action in 40 years, rather than the words someone said to you.

9:39:32 - the time.

Legend has it, that before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes. People always say they "live their life crazy, so it's something good to watch." I don't believe this. I believe that the moments when you feel free, broken, joyful, beautiful, and at one with yourself, are the moments that live on with you forever. I know moments I will remember until my death bed. Like the first time I danced as a ballerina on stage. The time I met my best friend, who's been through it all since the age of three, on a tricycle. Or the first time I had my heart broken in 8th grade, and I couldn't stop playing the song "Best I Ever Had," because I believed that was the best I would ever have. Little did I know, I would look back on that and laugh. The first time I lost my innocence. The first time I ever wrote a song. I still have it, it's called "Meant to be." The time when a lady told me I would never be a cheerleader. The night I received the title of Homecoming Queen. I remember the first boy I really think I ever loved, and how he brought me a rose, with a note telling me how amazing he thought I was. The time I drove home to Taylor Swift's song "Last Kiss" and cried the entire way, because I realized what I had to let go of. The time I accepted Jesus into my life, then my world got turned upside down crazy good. The one time, my best friend, who taught me a lot, and I went on a photography spree. She discovered her passion, I felt beautiful. When my dad got in a car accident and broke his rib cage, but no one would tell me. I got locked out of my house when I was five, because it was on fire. I remember being stood up on my first "middle school date," because I cried the entire way home. When I got to go to New York, I never wanted to go anywhere else again. I got to see John Mayer, with my best friend, and we stood about 50 feet away from him. The time I asked the boy who meant the world to me to meet me in the back of my neighborhood, I jumped out of the car in my tri-hi-y dress, gave him a rose, and asked him to dance with me to our song. He laughed at me, but I got him to dance. On the way home, I just thought about how scared I was to ever let him go. I remember the last time I kissed him and what it felt like. The time when my parents told me they were having marriage problems. The time that they told me they had really begun to fix their marriage. When I got to drive by myself for the first time, I thought I would never be more excited. The first time I sat in my room, crying all night, because my heart was shattered. I also recall, the first time I cried because of how much strength I had through true heart break.  But most of all, I remember the time I looked in the mirror and realized who I was. There are so many more memories to define that girl. There are so many memories I wish I could remember. There are so many moments that, if God allowed them to continue on forever, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I believe in memories. I believe that they make you who you are. The lessons you learn from the mistakes and memories, are the lessons that shape you. Do not EVER let someone take a memory away from you. "Don't regret anything, because at the time it was everything you wanted" is the stupidest lesson I've ever heard. No regrets, yeah, good lesson. But everything you do, is not always what you want. Over the next 6 months, until I graduate high school, I am going to make some of the best memories of my life. I promise you, everything that I do within those 6 months will not be what I want to do. Yes, it will be what God wants me to do. It still doesn't change the fact that things are tough. Memories are beautiful. Memories are hurtful. Memories are glorious. Memories are me. Memories are you. Memories are us. But, if you have a memory that you can't let go of for a good reason... hold onto it. It just proves that there is something better out in the world, that you have yet to discover again. So live like a little child. This way, you laugh, get hurt, laugh again. And out of those three things, I promise you'll remember your favorite part. Make your life worth watching, not only by yourself, but everyone around you.

Rearview mirror.

Have you ever wondered where you are going? Who you are going to become? I think that all of those questions are and aren't determined by where you've been. I think you must learn from your past. I think you must not let it define you. Over the past year, I have realized not only how strong I am, but how strong the Lord is. I've given up my body, I lost myself, God found me, I've lost friends, had my heart broken, fallen for a boy, met people who believe in me, I fought Him for the longest time, my home life has fallen apart and I've been faced with who I am. I've also been faced with who I need to be. There are two different kinds of people in this life. One's that look out the windshield and one's that stare into the rearview mirror. I've found that the windshield is bigger for a reason, because you must look forward. I've waited for 17 years to become as strong as I am now. The thing about it? God and I can only grow stronger from here. Heart break does a funny thing to you. Friendship does a funny thing to you. Family does a funny thing to you. But love, now that's where it's at. It's when you selfishly love something, that you don't let it go. When you love something, that be a person or thing or God, somehow it always finds it's way back to you. If it doesn't, then at least you had a moment where the world was yours and that person, thing or God's. It was just the two of you. When the world is at your feet and you care about something, no matter how much it hurts, jump. Jump into God. Jump into the unknown. Jump into happiness. Jump into loneliness. Jump into sadness. Jump into hope. Jump into yourself. When you jump, it doesn't matter where you fall, what gets broken, what hits you in the face on the way down... all that matters is that you took a chance. If you don't take chances, are you ever going to get anywhere in life? You can scream, you can cry, you can even close your eyes... but you'll land somewhere. When you jump, aim for the sun. You may land among the clouds, but at least there you can dream. When you fall, God will catch you. If you hit the pavement, at least you made your mark. The world is rough. But the world without the Lord is rougher. I've found that I love flying. I love jumping into the unknown. I love, that no matter what I've done or who I've been, there is still an unknown. A day to change it all. A day to start over. There is nothing you can do tomorrow, that you can't do today. I believe that Jesus walks beside you, but his favorite thing to do is to leap into faith with you. I know that he has leaped with me every time and I've landed safely. When I leap into faith without him, well it's not really faith, so I hit concrete. If I could tell everyone one thing, no matter all of the quotes I post, advice I give, or smiles I send your way, I would want to tell you this... You are you. No one else can define you. No one else knows your heart like you do. No one else knows your relationship with yourself or Jesus like you do. No one in this world can love you like you love yourself. It all comes down to how much you can love someone more than yourself. Whatever way that may be. Friendship, parents or a lover. It's when you can love those people more than yourself, that you take a leap, believe and know that no matter the broken bones, screams, tears, or eye closing... You will land, smile and say that was one heck of a ride.

Marilyn with her red lips.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 
— Marilyn Monroe


Ahh, the famous Marilyn Monroe. She was such a lost woman, but she spoke so many truths. Everything happens, because you are supposed to learn something from it. Only strong people don't make the same mistakes, and can truly learn. I hear so often, "why do things change?" Well, they change, so that you can learn about yourself and how much strength you have. If the world stayed the same, it wouldn't be only boring, but we would get no where. Things go wrong all the time, in everyone's world. It's just how it is. But things go wrong, so you can look back and appreciate the time spent when it was going good. Or so that the next time, you can take it all in and enjoy it when it's right. We all believe lies. But "a wise woman listens, but doesn't believe." Friends, guys, girls, parents, family, babies... everyone lies. You just have to not only figure out the truths, but know the only people you can trust are yourself and God. Good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. Yes, because when you have good, why would you settle? Why not strive for the best? If it's one thing I've learned this summer, especially for girls... don't settle for good, when you deserve the best. Girls you deserve a guy who only sees you when you walk into the room. A guy who knows where he wants to go in life, and is running after that. A guy, no matter how many girls he's had before you, doesn't even remember their names when he's with you. A guy who would crawl over broken glass, just to see you smile. A guy who knows that even though he has never met every other woman in the world, you are the only one that mattes. A guy who doesn't treat you like a queen, but like Christ treated the church and loved it. Don't settle for a man who treats you anything less than the world. When you begin to care about someone more than they care about you, get out. No matter what. It may be the hardest thing you ever have to do. But Christ died for us, and yes as the church, we love Jesus... but we could never love him as much as he's loved us. You deserve for the man to be Christ, and to love you more than you love him. So often I see girls, myself included, that settle with heartbreak. Everyone is gonna break your heart at one time. It's when your heart is broken, that you truly find who you are. You find out what you're made of. And if you can find happiness in all of that sadness, then you are a strong person. And friends. Why do we settle for friends? Bad friendships fall apart, so we can find someone else to stand beside. I've lost so many friends through the middle school and high school years... but you deserve a friend who would drive across town and be there at 4 in the morning, if you just needed someone to talk to. A friend that puts themselves first, because we are human we all do it, but allows you to be first sometimes. A friend that keeps your secrets when they should be kept. You deserve a friend who will stand beside you in the rain. You know, friendships and relationships are the hardest things. You've just got to find someone worth all of the pain. Pain pushes you on. There are many types of pains. But it's back to the lies. You've got to figure out for yourself what type of pain is worth enduring, or what type is the kind we are meant to let go. When you finally let go of the pain, begin to see appreciate things when they are right, trust only yourself, and know that better things come from good things aftermath... when you do all of these things, you realize Marilyn Monroe may have been lost, but she got it right.

The shovel of God.

Have you ever lost sight of who you were? Not because you meant to, but because you finally settled. One of my best friends, Stella, told me the other day that she thought I would never slow down. She reminded me of my dreams to move to New York and fall in love. She reminded me of who I was. She reminded me of who I still am, now that I can see clearly. When I fell in love with God, I didn't have to give up my dreams. I had to give up pursuing them, if they weren't what God wanted for me. I thought losing sight of who I was came along with giving God control. I settled these past few months. I've been settling since January of this year. Actually, I've been settling my whole life. God deserves my best, and he will never cause me to settle. He will provide the best out there for me, including a career, man, and friends. "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed, some women aren't meant to run wild and free until they find someone who can run with them." Why do we settle? I've found that when we settle, it's harder to move on. You know why? Because we aren't giving ourselves enough credit, so we feel like there is something more left. When we do not live the lives God has called us to live, we settle deeper, deeper, and deeper into the dirt, causing it to be harder for us to get out. But I've learned, especially now that all is said and done, that I have a pretty good shovel - God. Have you ever fought for something? Fought with it all of your might? And fought until you almost killed yourself? Well I have. And don't ever fight for another person, who doesn't want to be fought for. Don't give your heart to someone, that doesn't believe in you. Don't fight for anything other than God's glory and will. Have you ever lost sight of who you were, because of something you've fought for? I have. This is a new year. I'm finally a senior. A senior. I have my whole life before me. My heart is finally in the right place, and I can look forward to my future with God. I know now who I am. Who I want to be. And who I was. i will never be here again, I promise. For once in my life, I will learn without making the same mistake twice. I have finally let go. And i'm fighting for God now. That's it. Because God is the only one who can run with me, until I know it's okay, not to settle, but slow down.