The girl who stormed into the cafeteria.

"I remember the girl I had never met before, storming into the lunch room, with these HUGE parachute looking pants on and a flowing flowered shirt. She stormed up to our table, only to say that she was skipping class. I remember her laughing, then walking away... as I stared and wondered 'Who the HECK was that girl?' I remember her telling me about her dreams of living in New York, and falling in love. She's always believed in love. She was beautiful inside and out, and still is. I remember THAT Lauren, not this one" were the words that my best friend spoke to me as I sat there and cried in Starbucks. If you've met me over the past 9 months, you have met the Lauren I'm not. The Lauren who lost everything she had sight of. I believe that people do this from time to time. How else are you supposed to love the person you are, if you don't know who you aren't? See, I've always been a dreamer. I've always believed in love. But that's the one thing that is still a worldly view. I've never let Jesus have that, because it's part of who I've always been. How can I say that I trust in God, but don't trust in the main thing He is an expert on... love. Have you ever had a map, yet, you still get lost? Have you ever tried everything you can to jump on the train you should be catching, but you keep missing the doors? Have you ever watched a leaf fall, only to be kicked around again? There is something in common with all of these - not being where you are meant to be. I remember when I knew where I was supposed to be. When I had sight of the place I was going, yet somehow I'm still going there. I believe that reputations can be restored, hearts can be mended, and trust can be gained back... only if people will open their eyes to them. I have found that you CAN change, only if you allow the change to occur. It is NOT possible to begin to change, think you have it down, then throw it all away. The thing about change is that it has to occur from the inside-out. It has to move you. But if it doesn't completely finish, you end up in a circle. Circles aren't fun. Who has ever driven around circles, and not gotten dizzy? There are three things I've learned about myself. I have strength, I have God, and I still am the girl I was. I have been living in this same skin for almost 18 years now. That little girl who dreamed of New York, ran in her Papa's field, who played with Barbies.... She's still there. It's okay to remember her, to hold on to her, to strive to be her. But, I want to be a mature version of her. I believe that's what everyone wants sometimes. To remember things that define them, but to push on. I believe in second chances, because I've needed so many. I wish that I could have all the answers sometimes, but then life would be no fun. I wish that I could know where I'm going, but I sure know I am getting there. I believe that Jesus loves that carefree girl, more than the one with all of the worries of the world.I believe that Jesus loves who I am, but he misses who I was, because that girl was striving to be better. Well, Jesus always loves us the same... but I think he believes she was more fun. I can feel that Jesus wants me to be her, but I went through this so she could be stronger. Jesus doesn't ever want us to lose ourselves, He just wants us to get better at being that person, for him.  I love the life I have been blessed with. I love the people who see potential in me. I love that the girl in those pants is coming back. I love that I have the guts to storm into the cafeteria, wearing that outfit, going up to someone I don't know again. I love that we all get lost, yet, everyone finds there way to the path they should take. I love the girl who stormed into the cafeteria, because I believe she's the free part of me that's always been running. She's got me running again.

The bathroom floor.

Strength. It's something that the world sees in me, yet I can't lift the weight of the world. Sometimes, I believe that we are to sit in pain. We are to just sit there. That way, we can find out way around it, once we're out. I wish that I was Hercules. I wish that I could beat anything I faced. But the truth is, sometimes I believe I can't. There are some things that I'm going to fail at, or fall down upon, and those things are the ones I dwell on. I wish when I believed this, God would just come down and snatch me up. I wish God would just take us out of situations that will make us lose ourselves. But then, when we lose ourselves... we find God. I wish I could be the perfect Christian. I wish I could do everything God tells me too. I wish I didn't act upon emotions. I wish I didn't even have emotions. But, the thing is not to wish, it is to do. Over the past year, I have never been tested as much as I have been lately. I don't understand where I am supposed to go, feel, or even what to do. But that's the funny thing, sometimes.... strength is jumping into confusion and the dark, just because you know there is a light at the end. Lights are funny. They are always somewhere. I have never been in a pitch black dark room. Somehow, my eyes always adjust. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do with situations in life... just adjust our eyes in the dark. Look towards the Lord. Look towards what is inside of ourselves. Look towards our hearts. I always cry on the floor of my bathroom. I don't know why. But every intimate moment I have ever had with God, has been on my bathroom floor. I've found that when I am face first, on my bathroom floor, well that's when I find strength. It's when I am at my weakest, that God is at his strongest. It is when I have no where to go but the bathroom floor, that my bathroom becomes God's kingdom. See, God is funny. He usually uses the worst things, to make the best thing for His name. Kind of like me. I am one of the worst human's on the earth. There are many things I could be better at. Yet, somehow, God wants to use me. God is shaping me for His name. The moments when I feel most intimate with God, are the ones where I am sobbing, begging for his mercy or help. The moments where I am in complete need of Him. Lately, people have known me as the girl grasping for something else. As the girl wanting something she couldn't have. The girl who isn't the joyful person she used to be. I'm known for things I don't want to be. But, I know, that if I hadn't become this person... I wouldn't know who I wanted to be. I wouldn't have room to grow. I wouldn't know that something better was out there. That there was a better me out there, a better me... in Jesus. See, I don't have strength. I never will. But I have Jesus and He always does. The world was never meant to be lifted out of my shoulders - because as the Bible says, I have to carry my cross. I have to carry the things that are hardest for me to bear. I have to carry what feels like the world, so that the one day I finally can look the Lord in the eyes, I can carry His robe. I believe that there is strength in every single person, because there is Jesus in every person. It's not up to us to find it. It's just up to us to search it and believe in it. It's up to us to fall face forward on our bathroom floor. It's up to us to press on. It's up to us to carry the weight of the world. We can choose dwelling on our thoughts and we make our choices. It's up to us to do a lot, but it's not up to us to give up. That's never an option. Hercules never gave up, and neither should we.

Seagulls.

Seagulls. They are some of the most beautiful creatures in the world. Why? Because of their wings. The way they take off, high above the sea. They are beautiful when they fly, because they are so free. People? Nope. We don’t get that luxury. We don’t get to fly. The fastest we get to go by ourselves, the freest we get to be, is when we run. Humans run all the time. They run from fears, from hopes, from love, from God, from themselves. Humans run. To fly, now that would be unthinkable. To be free is the last thing on our mind. See, I’ve always been a runner. I’ve been fascinated by the way the body moves, the way the mind works, the blood the body pumps when this happens. I run from everything. My fears. My hopes. Myself. My God. But one thing I haven’t done lately is run from love. I’m sitting on the beach right now in the exact spot that last time I was here, so was the one thing that’s kept me standing still. Today, I finally faced God, myself, and my fears. I walked about 8 miles on the beach today; crying, praying, begging, searching for something... But alI found was an idea. I wrote on two pieces of paper, two entirely different things. I wrote a letter to God, and a letter to the person I’ve stood still for. The second letter was the first I got rid of. It held all of my thoughts, feelings, pain, happiness, and love for this person. I ripped it up, until there was nothing really left. I lifted my hands and threw the pieces in air, they landed in the ocean. I watched the waves take them over... and then I walked away. See that’s the funny things about fears; when you finally face them, it’s usually when you've already overcome them. My letter to God contained scariness, heartache, pain, joy, sorrow, disappointment, and love for Him.  This one meant a little bit more to me, see, because He is my creator. He loves me more than I can love myself. I dug a hole in the sand, not far from where I threw the first one, and buried it. I hope one day, someone finds that letter. I hope it changes their world. If not, I pray that it becomes one with the sand. That it gets swept into the ocean. That way, one day, it can truly be evaporated and in the air, with Jesus. I believe deep down in my soul, my fears have been overcome. Somewhere, I have faced the world. It’s just up to me to listen, and find that place. I wrote my biggest fear in the sand, and watched it was away. This time, I ran away. But I don’t want to run anymore. I want to fly. My hopes are the only thing I have left to discuss with you, before my final words on this page are done. “But I have hope in God” are the words I wrote in the sand, near the edge of the road so it wouldn’t get washed away anytime soon. See, hopes are funny too... they can sometimes be the things you feared. Seagulls get that. They dive into the water hoping to get a fish, but they would rather be soaring. They land on shore hoping to be left alone. Seagulls are so lucky, they get to fly. But I believe, when you become one with the world, God, and yourself... you look around, and your feet are off the ground. And even the seagulls can't touch you.

2,880 seconds to go.

You only have two days left on this earth. You have a total of 48 hours to do everything you wanted to do. 2,880 seconds to say what you have always wanted to say. What moves would you make? Oh, you're asking what moves would I make? I'd make every move I've always wanted to make. I would swing as high as I could, and jump out of the swing. I would put really red lipstick on and go kiss as many car windows as I could find. I'd go out into the middle of a field and scream as loud as I wanted to. My car speedometer would hit at least 125 MPH, on a back road in Darlington. I'd get married, to the person I was in love with. I would then ... you know the rest. I'd tell every person I saw, about Christ. I'd text all of my friends, and tell them how much they meant to me. My ipod would play for 48 hours, because I would have to listen to all of my favorite songs. I would hop on a train and see how far I got. I would ask a cop if I could ride in the back of his car, and actually do it. I would skinny dip in a lake, when no one was around but me. I would read my favorite passages in the Bible. I'd tell every person who hurt me, how they hurt me, and why. I would tell every person that shaped me, how they did and why. I would write a letter to Audrey Hepburn. Breakfast at Tiffany's would be a movie that I watched. I bet I would buy a reallyyyy expensive pair of shoes by Steve Madden. Then I would write Steve Madden a letter about how much he inspired me. I would leave all of my money to the first homeless person I saw. I would wish upon a star. I would laugh until I cried. I would choke because I was laughing so hard. I would put on my ballet pointe shoes again, and dance around until I fell on the ground. I would praise God with everything in me. I would lay on the ground in praise of the life He let me live. There are so many things that I would do just to feel joy on my last day. Have you ever thought about that? When your last day will be? What will it consist of? What if you knew how long you would have? What if you lived it to the fullest of your ability? Think about it. Everyday is a day to make this happen. Everyday is the day to enjoy to the hilt. Everyday is the day to find the slightest bit of happiness. No one can choose your thoughts, your actions, or your joy, but you. You choose what you think, do, and get joy out of. You choose your own happiness. I believe that if the world got a grasp of the meaning of this, so much could be done. Next time you begin to think about something bad, just think about if it happened on the last day of your life. Would it matter? Would you let that be the last thing you remember as you exit this earth? Wouldn't you rather think about all the good times? Wouldn't you rather just participate in the good times? I'm not saying life is always going to be  grand, because that would be a lie. BUT, life is always what you make it. Humans can choose to dwell on something, or choose to change their wants. If you made a list like this, and actuallly fulfilled everything on this list, wouldn't you have had some joy? Ask yourself... what would you do on your last day? Who would you spend your last breath on this earth with? Where would you run wild, or where would you cage yourself in? When you have these answers, change things in your life to show them. Change things in your life like your eternity depends on it. Change it like you have 2,880 seconds to go.

A word is a word.

I remember the first time I ever sat down and wrote something. Honestly, I had nothing to say. I didn't know where the blank page in front of me would take me, but I knew I needed to go there. I wrote a letter to God. I was twelve years old. Ever since that day, I have found my words through writing. I can type an entire page, with some good meaning... and erase it. See, to me, writing is my way of communication. I feel that the thoughts which run through my head when I'm alone, are the key thoughts in my soul. I don't know where this is going to take me, but I know I need to go there. Words are such a meaningful thing, and if you know me at all, you know I use them a lot. I use words to explain everything. Every feeling. Every thought. Every emotion. Every memory. Every pain. Every smile. Everything. Words are crucial, because sometimes, if you don't use them at all... you lose it all. Words can break a heart, mend it back together... sometimes words can even mean a miracle. It's the words that you don't say, that are the ones you usually need to. It's kind of like the quote "get your heart, to tell your mind, to tell your mouth what it needs to say." A lot of times, what's in your heart, doesn't come out through your mouth. There are words that define me, and words I define myself by. Words are important, but it's your actions that mean more. How often do we hear people say something, yet they never follow through? In the old days, your word was all you had. It doesn't matter what you say, it doesn't matter what you believe with everything inside of you that you mean... unless you act upon it. It's kind of like your relationship with Christ. You can say He is Lord all you want, because pretty much everyone knows He is... but it's your actions that determine whether you believe this or not. I attended a funeral for a woman I didn't know, because of a very important person in my life that needed me there. I did not know this woman, but the way she was spoken of made me tear up. When I die, I don't want people to say "wow, she was great with words." I want people to say "wow, she was great with actions." Words on paper, or computers, or memories all get lost. But your actions, things you do, the way you move, are things that go on forever in not only your own life, but in other's lives. This past summer, I believed all of the words in the dictionary could change people's thoughts about me. I thought the promises I made, even if I didn't keep them, well that they were enough because I had at least promised someone. At the end of the day, people didn't want to be around me because they knew how it would end: broken promises and no actions. I have not completely mastered integrity, but I am working on it. Saying this, just kind of defeats everything. I can say it, but if I don't live it... it doesn't mean a thing. Words are important, and they can change someone's life. But actions are the defining point, because they can change the world. Have you ever thought about the things you've done to people, or said to them, that could change their entire life or world? Have you ever wondered why the people you love look at you out of hurt or anger? Is it always because of them? Is it because of unrealistic expectations on you? Is it because of something you did? I've found, that when people are mostly hurt by your words or actions, is when they needed to hear something different than what you said. Maybe they were in love with you, poured out their heart to you, but got nothing in return. Maybe they were your best friend, who was at the lowest point in their life, and you only saw their failures. Maybe their parents, when they needed an idea of greater love in their life, told them they were falling apart. There are so many situations in which words, and actions, define someone's guarded heart or guarded emotions. But there are times that words can break through the ice, and break through someone's pain, to love. Whatever words are used for, let your actions speak louder. Because at the end of the day; a word is a word and an action is an action. But would you rather someone tell you what they wanted to tell you, or show you? Even if it is a slap in the face, or a kiss on the lips... I promise that most likely, you will remember an action in 40 years, rather than the words someone said to you.

9:39:32 - the time.

Legend has it, that before you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes. People always say they "live their life crazy, so it's something good to watch." I don't believe this. I believe that the moments when you feel free, broken, joyful, beautiful, and at one with yourself, are the moments that live on with you forever. I know moments I will remember until my death bed. Like the first time I danced as a ballerina on stage. The time I met my best friend, who's been through it all since the age of three, on a tricycle. Or the first time I had my heart broken in 8th grade, and I couldn't stop playing the song "Best I Ever Had," because I believed that was the best I would ever have. Little did I know, I would look back on that and laugh. The first time I lost my innocence. The first time I ever wrote a song. I still have it, it's called "Meant to be." The time when a lady told me I would never be a cheerleader. The night I received the title of Homecoming Queen. I remember the first boy I really think I ever loved, and how he brought me a rose, with a note telling me how amazing he thought I was. The time I drove home to Taylor Swift's song "Last Kiss" and cried the entire way, because I realized what I had to let go of. The time I accepted Jesus into my life, then my world got turned upside down crazy good. The one time, my best friend, who taught me a lot, and I went on a photography spree. She discovered her passion, I felt beautiful. When my dad got in a car accident and broke his rib cage, but no one would tell me. I got locked out of my house when I was five, because it was on fire. I remember being stood up on my first "middle school date," because I cried the entire way home. When I got to go to New York, I never wanted to go anywhere else again. I got to see John Mayer, with my best friend, and we stood about 50 feet away from him. The time I asked the boy who meant the world to me to meet me in the back of my neighborhood, I jumped out of the car in my tri-hi-y dress, gave him a rose, and asked him to dance with me to our song. He laughed at me, but I got him to dance. On the way home, I just thought about how scared I was to ever let him go. I remember the last time I kissed him and what it felt like. The time when my parents told me they were having marriage problems. The time that they told me they had really begun to fix their marriage. When I got to drive by myself for the first time, I thought I would never be more excited. The first time I sat in my room, crying all night, because my heart was shattered. I also recall, the first time I cried because of how much strength I had through true heart break.  But most of all, I remember the time I looked in the mirror and realized who I was. There are so many more memories to define that girl. There are so many memories I wish I could remember. There are so many moments that, if God allowed them to continue on forever, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I believe in memories. I believe that they make you who you are. The lessons you learn from the mistakes and memories, are the lessons that shape you. Do not EVER let someone take a memory away from you. "Don't regret anything, because at the time it was everything you wanted" is the stupidest lesson I've ever heard. No regrets, yeah, good lesson. But everything you do, is not always what you want. Over the next 6 months, until I graduate high school, I am going to make some of the best memories of my life. I promise you, everything that I do within those 6 months will not be what I want to do. Yes, it will be what God wants me to do. It still doesn't change the fact that things are tough. Memories are beautiful. Memories are hurtful. Memories are glorious. Memories are me. Memories are you. Memories are us. But, if you have a memory that you can't let go of for a good reason... hold onto it. It just proves that there is something better out in the world, that you have yet to discover again. So live like a little child. This way, you laugh, get hurt, laugh again. And out of those three things, I promise you'll remember your favorite part. Make your life worth watching, not only by yourself, but everyone around you.

Rearview mirror.

Have you ever wondered where you are going? Who you are going to become? I think that all of those questions are and aren't determined by where you've been. I think you must learn from your past. I think you must not let it define you. Over the past year, I have realized not only how strong I am, but how strong the Lord is. I've given up my body, I lost myself, God found me, I've lost friends, had my heart broken, fallen for a boy, met people who believe in me, I fought Him for the longest time, my home life has fallen apart and I've been faced with who I am. I've also been faced with who I need to be. There are two different kinds of people in this life. One's that look out the windshield and one's that stare into the rearview mirror. I've found that the windshield is bigger for a reason, because you must look forward. I've waited for 17 years to become as strong as I am now. The thing about it? God and I can only grow stronger from here. Heart break does a funny thing to you. Friendship does a funny thing to you. Family does a funny thing to you. But love, now that's where it's at. It's when you selfishly love something, that you don't let it go. When you love something, that be a person or thing or God, somehow it always finds it's way back to you. If it doesn't, then at least you had a moment where the world was yours and that person, thing or God's. It was just the two of you. When the world is at your feet and you care about something, no matter how much it hurts, jump. Jump into God. Jump into the unknown. Jump into happiness. Jump into loneliness. Jump into sadness. Jump into hope. Jump into yourself. When you jump, it doesn't matter where you fall, what gets broken, what hits you in the face on the way down... all that matters is that you took a chance. If you don't take chances, are you ever going to get anywhere in life? You can scream, you can cry, you can even close your eyes... but you'll land somewhere. When you jump, aim for the sun. You may land among the clouds, but at least there you can dream. When you fall, God will catch you. If you hit the pavement, at least you made your mark. The world is rough. But the world without the Lord is rougher. I've found that I love flying. I love jumping into the unknown. I love, that no matter what I've done or who I've been, there is still an unknown. A day to change it all. A day to start over. There is nothing you can do tomorrow, that you can't do today. I believe that Jesus walks beside you, but his favorite thing to do is to leap into faith with you. I know that he has leaped with me every time and I've landed safely. When I leap into faith without him, well it's not really faith, so I hit concrete. If I could tell everyone one thing, no matter all of the quotes I post, advice I give, or smiles I send your way, I would want to tell you this... You are you. No one else can define you. No one else knows your heart like you do. No one else knows your relationship with yourself or Jesus like you do. No one in this world can love you like you love yourself. It all comes down to how much you can love someone more than yourself. Whatever way that may be. Friendship, parents or a lover. It's when you can love those people more than yourself, that you take a leap, believe and know that no matter the broken bones, screams, tears, or eye closing... You will land, smile and say that was one heck of a ride.