Soldiers, mice, and their stories.

I remember the first time I ever performed with my ballet company, when I was 11 years old. It was opening night of The Nutcracker. We were on our way to be soldiers, since that's the part we played in the first act. It was almost time, and I hugged my best friend right before we went on. Then the music came on, we put on our stern solider faces... and on our tippy toes we went. Running across the stage, dancing the steps we knew by heart, fighting mice, and in the end being victorious. But not by anything we did, that was just the role we got to play. The mice were the younger girls. I could've just been as easily told to played a mouse, if I didn't do what I was asked to do as a soldier. Or, I could've ended up in the wrong spot on stage during the performance.. and messed the whole thing up. I could've been the soldier in spot of the mouse who gets shot. But, everything was going as planned. I remember never wanting to leave that spot. The spotlight was shinning down, people were watching in awe. Some knew what would happen, some wondered where the next step would land. But just like it started, it was over. How could I be a part of something I had always dreamed about, something that meant so much to me that it became a part of me, be over so fast? As I think about this now, I think about how much this applies to so many areas of our lives. How often do we dream of something, desire something so much, that it becomes a part of us? It defines our every move. It becomes the role we want to play in life. Some people are the mice. Some people are the soldiers. When I think about mice in life, I think about the scared people. The people who can't face their fears. The ones who would come in at night to attack, because they are scared of the light. But then the soldiers, those people are the brave ones. The ones who have courage. They stay and fight. They bring everything they have. They run across stage, on their tippy toes. The mice stand flat feet, because they are scared to trust. The soldiers want to feel light, to take a chance, to feel like they are take a leap of faith. They get to play the big role... the victorious role. This is how I see humans. There are the mice and the soldiers. God is The Nutcracker. The devil is the mouse king. God controls every step of the soldiers, while the devil plays with the mice. The spotlight shines on both of them. The people in their life watch in awe. Some know what will happen, because they've studied their story a thousand times. Some wonder, because they have never seen it before. But sometimes, we change everything. The mice can step into a soldier's spot, and a soldier can change back into a mouse. Everyone starts off as a mouse, since they are the youngest... that's the first step you have to go through. You grow into a soldier. You have to learn that Jesus has called us all to be soldiers. He wants to teach us every move. Wouldn't you rather be victorious? Every situation you enter, you have a choice... be a soldier or a mouse. Stay and fight your fear. Or come in at dark, then scatter as soon as it comes alive. I remember when I realized that being a soldier was better, in The Nutcracker, and in real life. I remember being a ballet dancing soldier, because it was what I had always wanted... I'm not going to give up now. Why, now when I need to be strong more than I ever have needed to be, would I choose to be a mouse? I've got the solider steps down... it's only time to perform them. PS: I like their outfits better anyways.

Charming, searching for Bliss.

Hello 2011, but wait, first I must say goodbye to 2010. See, 2010, you were a trickster... you taught me a lot, but you were the best and worst year of my life so far. This year was about God, and I. You see, I met a kid at the beginning of the year who has had more girls than I could count, but never really taken a step towards them.. Do not fall for him. It won't break your heart, but you'll begin to wonder what is wrong with you. You may even end up stalking him at a basketball game with your best friend, so don't do it. No matter how good he may look, his attitude makes him the most unattractive person in the world. And when you get your heart broken a few months later by the person you do love, don't run back to him. It'll only hurt you, since your heart is with someone else. That's one thing I've learned this year - no one can take the place of your broken heart. You're supposed to put the pieces back together yourself. God is a huge part of it, but it takes YOU to wake up in the morning and fight to glue them. That's why so many girls try and fill the hole from their broken heart, because they think the next guy can fix them from endless years of heartbreak and no love... but sweetie, you can only fix yourself when you allow God to. But more on that later. These days, people have so many best friends. For the first month of the year, I was alone. But it was the happiest I have ever been. I didn't care who or what came my way; I had God, and that was all I needed. If you have a friend who only wants you when it's convenient for them, don't put your hopes in them. Be there for them, because you are supposed to, but do not do not do not put your hopes in them. That way, you can meet an entire new group of people. They may even introduce you to an entire new world of music, life, and friendship. They will make you feel like you're a part of something. They will be one of the best things that have ever happened to you. But in the end, some of them will only last for a season. Oh my gosh! how much you will want to hold onto that season, but take your lessons and learn. Learn that new friends will come along, and maybe they were only there to lead you somewhere else... such as someone you'll fall in love with. Now this is where my year got hectic. I met and noticed a kid, who had apparently been noticing me a long time before that. But the thing that got me screwed, was that I got caught in the middle of his journey between being a boy and a man. Girls, if you ever like a boy who your friends like, please tell them. Please. It'll go so much better in the end. Maybe, your friend will end up hating you... but you will have a clear conciense and know that you have done everything you can. She might not have been a true friend to start with. Not all friendships are supposed to last, so don't be upset when they don't. Hold onto the ones that do. No matter how much effort you put into it, or tears that you had cried over it... let go of the bad ones. Again, you will find new friends. I learned this one the hard way. But I knew I had to give this boy a chance. I knew I had to let him prove me wrong about all the things people said about him. Well, he only proved them right. He probably is going to read this, but he did. He showed me for months, that I was no different from any other girl, like he said I was. But, I just couldn't let go.. nope. Why would I? The world revolves around me, doesn't it? The second I let go, everything will just stop, won't it? Won't the seas stop moving and the wind stop blowing? Oh, that's right; it won't. This is something I have learned soo much this year. Not everything you want, you get. And it's usually the things you want the most, that you lose. God's funny this way - He wants to show you that you will survive, even if you don't get the dreams you created. He wants His dreams to prevail, and I promise they are so much better. Sometimes He asks us to let go, but I believed that this boy was where I was supposed to be. I believed that I was different. I'm guessing you're asking different from what, right? Well, the people in our past hurt us. Every relationship will end, until we eventually find the one and get married. Sometimes, they hurt us more than we ever asked for... when all we asked them to do is love us. We just asked one simple thing, but yet we weren't enough. They begin to search other places for the holes that we can't fill. This ends in our heart being broken, and the next few relationships having to suffer for the heart break that the person we weren't even supposed to be with leaves. Please, give the next person you believe could be it, if only you didn't have the hurt or pain, a chance. Give them a chance to prove to you that real love does exist in this world... that someone can love you and want to spend their life on Earth with you. If you don't jump face first, throwing you heart out there before you can look down, you will NEVER find the person you are supposed to be with, and you will NEVER become stronger. And you for sure will never find out if they are different from the past. When I lost this boy, at first it was silly heartbreak, the kind that happens only a little bit of time in. People don't believe that a couple of months is a long time, but when that person is everything you've searched for your whole life, a short time can turn into a broken watch, never knowing what time of day it is... which begins to make you lose yourself, and when you lose yourself, you usually lose yourself for a while. I met a girl, who is simply one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She looked up to me, she even believed I was most beautiful when I cried. She believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. She needed a best friend and I needed a God, because I felt like Jesus wasn't enough. So we tried a friendship out. What happened in the beginning was mind blowing. She actually saw the good inside of me... but that slowly stripped away. I was so broken and so lost in woods that I created myself, that I begged her to put me back together. She couldn't and our relationship began to fall apart. For a long time, all she did was see the bad in me.. at least that's what it felt like. And she was really close with the boy I longed for. They have always been friends, but I hadn't known the extent of this friendship. She'll probably read this too, but that's good. Because she needs to know this. She is my biggest fan. I helped inspire her dreams. (I promise you, she'll be famous, if she tries or doesn't end up in India.. wait, she could be famous there too.) She is one of the best friends I could ask for. Her and I can make it through anything now. I bet you ten bucks she will be a bridesmaid in my wedding one day. But for a while, her and this boy were the only pain I felt.  See, when the two things you care about in the world most begin to become closer, and pull away from you.. you feel like everything in your life will end. You begin to believe that you can't survive. You begin to believe that the air they are breathing towards each other, will suck the last breath right out of you. But baby, you will only stand stronger. You will even spend hours at home, in your bathroom floor crying. Home is the only place you can go to escape any memory of them, but yet they are every where to be found. Your bathroom floor becomes your best friend. It's walls are your fortress. But, someone begins trying to tear it down. Your parents are at each other's throats just feet below. The screams only get louder, until your fort is knocked down. But it doesn't stop there.. After one of them leaves, then the other goes to their job, the house seems lonely. Your world seems quiet. Like even Jesus is nowhere to be found. Until, you go back to school. You look back over summer, and you see that the week you spent at the beach with your church was a waste that you created. You should've and could've been worshiping Jesus, but you don't even know what He looks like anymore. You'll remember the night you sobbed on the floor in front of thousands of people, only because you were tired of the pain... not because you were asking to be forgiven. But, you'll push on. You'll start school. I mean hey, it's senior year! What could go wrong? You run for one of your biggest dreams, Student Body President, and you get it. You begin to believe that your dreams can still come true. Only for the advisor to begin to give all of the things to do to someone else. She can't depend on you. Heck, can you blame her? You can't even depend on yourself. So you asked people to vote for you, and they did. You can't wait to tell this boy, we'll begin to call him number one because it's about to get tricky, with the thought that maybe since everyone else wanted you for something, he will too. So you run home to tell him. But, you'll see that he is starting to flirt with another girl, little do you know he is doing the same thing you were about to do. So, your dreams didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter that you had gotten something you worked so hard for. But please, don't ever do that to yourself. Everything always works out in the end... I hate when people say this. Because it doesn't. Some things only work out if you fight for them. Your dreams are something you MUST fight for. You must believe in them. Only then can you find out God's dreams. But still, you believe Jesus is no where to be found. You act like He is. You go to church, and you close your eyes during worship.. and begin to feel Him. As soon as you leave, He is gone again. You're back to the loneliness. Wait, a new boy walks in. He's from another city, but goes to the same church. He's there the same day that boy number 1's new flirt is. Boy number two makes you laugh, which is something you haven't done in a while... but you'll quickly find it's only because you force yourself to. He asks for your number, and you agree to go on a date with him. The same day you go on a date, boy number one is hanging in a group with his new flirt. So you begin to believe that this could be your next hole filler... until you find out that he has a girlfriend. Which is fine, he doesn't fill the hole anyways. Just like boy number one was doing with his new flirt, you were trying to care about someone else. But you couldn't. You weren't supposed to. You were supposed to realize that when you love someone, you have to either get over them or stay in love with them. And I wasn't ready to do the first. Boy number two will say things just to make you feel good, which means it's all bs. You begin to realize that you never really cared about him at all in the first place, you just wanted to not cry anymore. I mean, the whole entire way home from the date boy number two, you listened to music about boy number one and cried. But, you're gonna keep trying to fill the hole. Boy number three has been your best friend for a while. He's actually the first person you met in the new group of friends you hang out with. He was in your class, so you guys talk about church and Jesus. You don't like him at all, and you've known him for months. You already hurt him once for boy number one. But that's not your problem... you tried to let him down gently. It's fine, because he quickly moves on. So you keep trying to believe in the butterflies again, until boy number one looks your way, finally. After 4 months of back and forth, him not knowing if he wanted you.. he wants to try again. So you do. You meet him for coffee at Starbucks, the only place you go to escape, but the only reason you go there every single day is the hope that you will run into him. He tells you he would like to get to know you again. You are on cloud ten because nine doesn't even compete. Then, you get alone. What more does he have to learn about you? You're right; nothing. See, you lost yourself, you became obsessed, you even began becoming depressed, but he knows tons about you. He saw you at your best, and he's seen you at your worst. It's easy to love the good parts about people, but where you truly see if you can love someone, is to love the bad parts about them. To see the strength in them. For the longest time, you may be the only person who can see any strength inside of yourself. It's best that way. You'll continue learning to stand on your own. But, you realize you can't give him another chance, at least not yet. You take a step back, but he takes a step forward. The only time for the past few months this has happened. So things begin to change. You believe that you and God are good, just to make this boy happy. You even get baptized, because you believe this change is real. That day, he takes the biggest step of all... he asks you to get coffee again. He dresses up. He looks you in the eye and tells you the change he sees in you makes him want to do this. Run. Do not sit there. Wait, only your head screams that. But your heart keeps you in the seat. You have to take the chance, no matter who else you hurt. And slowly, the change you thought was there falls away. So, homecoming comes around. If there was a dance, you would ask him. But he doesn't come to your game. You win homecoming queen. It is a moment that so many girls fight for. And well, it's the only moment you have felt happiness in a long time. Afterwards, you go home. Boy number one brings you a rose and you hang out one on one for the first time in 4 months. You honestly believe things have changed... so you give your heart to him again. But you shouldn't. You're not ready. See, the funny thing is that sometimes we believe we are ready because we finally begin to get what we want. How hard is it for us to realize that things we want come over time? Apparently, hard for me. I don't know about you. But the more you chase time, the more it runs from you. Things may have changed inside of him, but not inside of you yet. You aren't over the heartbreak. Well, you find out your best friend thinks she likes him. And you do the biggest dumbest thing you've ever done - you leave her homecoming dance, to read the texts they sent to each other. Why do we look for things to hurt ourselves? Sometimes, it's best to know only the extent... to assume the rest. The more we look, the more we hurt. It'll even make you throw up all over yourself, in the new 100 dollar dress you bought yourself so that you could look beautiful for the dance. Maybe someone would notice you. Maybe someone would fall for you. But how could they? You're out in the parking lot, barfing, because of an idiot and un-trustful thing you did to yourself. So you leave. This is the first strong step you have ever done for yourself. You break your best friends heart. But you are no longer worried about the world. You are worried about yourself. Finally. You are beginning to understand what it is going to take to be happy. That's all you ever wanted; to be happy. Don't ever break your best friends heart. Ever. It's the worst feeling in the world. Even if you feel like they have betrayed you, don't. But somehow, you still believe it was for the best. You only want to feel Jesus. You even begin to be criticized for the way you go about it... heck, you should've been. You weren't doing it right. You tried to be patient and understanding and show the world Jesus, but you can't. Not when he doesn't live inside of you, well, not when you don't show it or follow him. But you are trying. Trying only counts for kids. It's a self boost. You either do something or you don't. And when you don't do something you are supposed to, it always ends up worse. So you want to give boy number one all his stuff back the next day. He doesn't want it. So you throw it away. But oh no! What have you done? That's the only piece you had left. So you go get it out of the trash, even though that's where it belongs. This is when the biggest spark changes in him. He realizes that he wants to be with you. But then, you're told you can't date or even talk to each other. You cry, on the bathroom floor, all night long. But baby, this will only prove if you're meant to be. So often we settle for right now, that we don't wait to see if it's right. So months go by, and you guys are still fine.. he still wants to be with you. Until, you mess it up. The things about boys? The more you chase, the more they run. Just like time. Watches and boys go hand and hand. They both are around your arm for a certain moment, until your arm gets tired or hurt, then you gotta let go or take it off, until your arm gains back it's strength and is no longer tired, then you hold or put it on again. Well, you chase like crazy. You are a runner after all. At least you used to be. Now, you just stand still. You haven't moved. Wait, you have. You've moved in a circle of insanity. He has over 200 text messages to prove it. What does that prove to you? That he doesn't want you. When again, it's the things you do to yourself that hurt you the most. YOU are the one who sent those. YOU are the one who is pushing him away. If someone is going to leave, don't make it your fault.  But why would he stay? He has no reason to. You have completely lost yourself. Until, you end up on your bathroom floor for the most epic fall of it all... and you begin to use the razor to take away the pain. But it doesn't. It only hurts worse. You do it, because that's what unhappy people are supposed to do.. right? This boy loves you. You can even see it in his eyes. So why doesn't he act like it? Because you are putting way to many expectations into him. You are putting way to many expectations into everyone. This is why you lost your best friend. This is why you lost everything... you expected it to bring you happiness. You settled for the happiness it brought. You didn't strive for it to continue. Your parents get louder downstairs. They start screaming. Until you can't take it. Your best friend and you are on bad terms, so you feel even more alone. You call two of the most amazing people you have ever met in your life, a family that God has put in front of you, for this exact reason.. they don't answer. You are alone, honey. The world is quiet. You are in your fort. No one is with you. So you're sobbing on your floor, bleeding. But you're about to make the biggest step you've ever made... You slowly begin to get up. You lay down on your knees and scream.. Jesus what have I done? How can I feel alone, when you are here with me? Please, please, please, hold me. I don't care if I deserve it or not. I don't care if I end up in hell forever. Just hold me here now. And all of a sudden... you stand up. You don't know what forced you to. But you do, and you end up at that family's house. You fall into the door sobbing, with your wrists bleeding. And your best friend, the mom, she holds you. She tells you everything will be alright. And that Jesus loves you. At that moment, He is there. You feel Him. You feel Him more than you have ever felt anything in your life. But yet, you still feel alone. You have a choice - believe and let Jesus hold you all night long, or sit up and cry. So you take the first one. You let Jesus hold you. But He's a tosser and turner, because you randomly wake up all night. You are begging for sleep. Yet, he's a kicker too. You feel it in your stomach. Jesus is squirming, you're trying to hold on. But I mean, look at you, you are worthless. So you throw up. I mean, that's all your good for anymore. To spill your guts, and get nothing in return. The next day, you're running on two hours of sleep. You cry all day long. You even pass by the boy you're in love with, only to cry even more. This is such a small town. You feel like you've ruined everything. But cry. Cry like you have never cried before. Because that's the last time you will EVER believe Jesus is not with you. Without crying, we are no different from many animals that roam this earth. You know God is with you... so why do you feel so alone? Those next few days are the worst of your life. You do have one amazing day, only one, but for the rest of the year, since it's only a few weeks you feel alone. Until, you go to Disney World. The happiest place on Earth. They say dreams come true there. Well, my dreams didn't come true... but it made me believe in magic again. It made me believe in happiness. It made me believe in the gut dropping stomach feeling of fear, and that it only lasts for a second. It made me face a ton of things I didn't want to, that started when I was younger. It made me laugh. It made me feel like a kid again. You wonder how you are going to be able to stand being home again... until, you do it find your answer. You are on the Hollywood Tower of Terror. You begin dropping as fast as you can. You scream as loud as you ever have in your life. And every fear you have had goes away. The doors open after the ride is over, and the first thing you see is Jesus. God has been screaming at you for months... Believe in Me. Believe in My Strength. Believe in your Strength. Realize, that you don't need anything else. Realize, that you are beautiful. Realize, that I want you more than anyone else in this world could. Realize, that you are good enough for me. So, that's what I'm doing. I'm striving for bliss. Because, I believe that in this life, there has to be something beautiful. There is something gorgeous. Jesus is just waiting for me to find it. I know that this road I am on is nowhere near what I've been through; it can only get better. See, Jesus has been here all along. No tweet you post, no facebook comment you leave, no words you say, no steps you alone take, can rearrange God's plan for you. So 2010 is over. But my life isn't. My lessons aren't. When someone asks me what the biggest thing I learned was, wanna know a secret? This is what I'll tell them. I'll tell them, the biggest thing I learned? You are stronger than you believe. Jesus is stronger than the box you put him in. Your bathroom floor is the best place to cry. Fears are the best things to face. You are your own worst enemy. To fall in love, fall out of love, then fall back into love will take you on a crazy ride, but maybe you'll end up with the one you want after all. Don't hurt your best friend, because she needs you more than you know. Always apologize. Don't think the world will crash if you let go of something. But most of all, you don't have to be saved by Prince Charming... the person inside of you is charming enough to find a horse yourself, and ride into the wind. So here's to 2010, Miss Charming. That's what I'm going to call last year - Charming. Because I searched for it everywhere, in my prince, in my best friend, in everyone else, in things.. until, I realized begin to meet Bliss. Charming is nice and a trickster, but 2011- who will be named Bliss, is going to be beautiful and funny. Bliss is what we search for. But you have to go through Charming first.

Broken CD's and broken hearts.

"WHY!?" I scream, tears rolling down my face. "Why me, God? Why did this have to happen to me? Why can't you just take all of this away? Pick me up. I'm begging..." God didn't reply. The stop sign didn't move. The car sat right there. That stupid cd still playing. I grab it, hold it in my hands, shaking.. in between my fingers... and it snapped. Into a million little pieces. On this CD, there had been the name of a band and a heart. But now, all throughout the car, there were shattered pieces. Kind of like my life. As I sat there sobbing, about to drive out onto the main highway, I realized something: the cd shattered all over my car, and in my hands, was like my life. That moment, all of the pain, sadness, and agony I was feeling was being taken out on a stupid little CD. A CD that didn't do anything to me, but the things it held on it were promises only broken. A CD that just wanted to be listened to. A CD that just wanted to be heard. A CD that just wanted to be loved. Just like me. That's the funny thing about promises, sometimes they aren't kept. Even if they can't be, it doesn't change the fact that are broken. See, that CD can't reply, it can't change anything, but it was still broken. I sit in this spot... probably 30 minutes. I beg God to just perform a miracle. Just save me from my myself. Just take every thing I feel away. Just take the unforgiveness. Just take the love I feel. Just take the wants I have. Just use a miracle on me, because I know You aren't short of one, Lord. Still nothing. So I'm crying harder now. I'm still here. Sitting at this stop sign. Asking God for an answer. But I'm supposed to be on the way to the house of my favorite people in the world, who love me more than I know. I pick my head up, and I look down... there are some big pieces still left. I grab all of the ones I see.. until there are a million more pieces. My hand is bleeding from a piece of glass stuck in between my thumb and pointer finger. How is it that in trying to release my pain, I caused more? "This isn't the way it is supposed to work... This isn't the way it is supposed to go!" I scream, still thinking God is going to reply back. I hate silence, especially the moment after I say this. "It wasn't supposed to be this way..." As I say this, I glance down to the corner of my floorboard on the drivers side. There is still a piece left. I pick it up. It is the heart that I drew on the CD. But... a piece of it is missing. A piece of it is gone. So I try to break it, like I feel my heart is. It won't break. I cry, until I hear a voice inside of my head. "This CD is you, Lauren." "Yeah, because it's broken. Look at that heart, it's not even a full one. The words are all in pieces, the name has been taken away." "But, my beautiful child, it's you." "How? God!?... Where'd you go? GOD!" No reply. I sat there, wondering how I could hear Him again. It hits me. It hits me more than anything has ever hit me in my life. That CD was me. It was supposed to be this way, because somehow it played a part in me. It is making me stronger, more understanding, and more Godly. Because I had let something besides God break me. Something that I had no control over. See, my life didn't do anything to me. The way I reacted did. And in that process of reaction, I tore apart my life. I tore about my soul. I tore apart me. I tore apart my love for my God. See, God had never left. He was never not there. He was never leaving me out in the cold, in a car, at a stop sign. Sometimes, God wants us to figure things out for ourselves. He wants us to rely on Him, in us. How would we learn anything if He just took our lesson away from us? He was there. And He was begging me to drive. I couldn't move. That heart on the CD wasn't a full heart... but only a piece of it was missing. Maybe that's what my heart will always be like. Maybe a part of it will always be with someone else, because there will always be that love I felt. There will always be that heartbreak. There will always be those memories. My name was shattered, because of who I had become. The words that described the band's name were like the dreams and plans I had made; stripped away. And I hold that piece of the CD in my hand, knowing that this is what is left. This is the best I can do with this CD. But you know what? I can sure as heck make another one. I can burn another CD, when the time is right. I can draw hearts all over it, I can put the bands name... when the time is right. When the pain is gone, when I am me again, when sitting in my car listening to it won't bring me to tears. This is my life. Maybe I messed up one CD, but I have a millon more opportuinites to sing along. And maybe when the time is right, that one messed up CD can be burnt again. But if not, I will always have the melody in my head. So i put the last piece down, kind of like my heart in Jesus' hands... the last part of my heart that is together. I look up, look both ways... turn the steering wheel left, which is where I first found the last piece of the CD... and I exit onto the road, taking me to the people who will help me put my life back together. The people who love me most in this world. The people who see me at my worst, but know me at my best. I realize, I'm on my way. I'm scared what I am going to face on this road, maybe I'll even be hit by a car... but it doesn't matter. I'm on my way to love. I'm on my way to God. I'm on my way to putting the pieces of that CD back together. I'm on my way from the person I never want to become again. I'm on my way to the person I'm meant to be. I'm on my way to a place I can be myself. I'm on my way to strength. I'm on my way somewhere. And that's what matters most.

Atlas.

"I'm back," I said. "Where'd you go?" was the exact question that I needed to hear. Sometimes, we seem like we have been running down a path, claiming to be someone we aren't.. Maybe that's true. Maybe that isn't the person we are, but it is the person we have become. The thing is though... we are still in the same skin. We still have the same insides, the same mind. Where do we go when we get "lost?" Is there a such thing, if you have been found by Christ? No, there isn't. You can't lose yourself when you are in Christ. You can wander off the path, but that doesn't mean you're lost. That just means that you haven't opened and admitted to God where you are... He knows where you are. Before you breathed your first breath, Jesus knew that you would end up here one day. Somewhere, this fits into His plan. Most likely, to make you stronger. Life is like a map, so many people say this. But to me it's more like an atlas. Yes, maps make up atlas'... but saying life is just a map is limiting it to something much smaller than it is. There is a place I am supposed to go, already laid out. I just have to pick which one I choose, which map I decide to follow. Like in an atlas. Maps are usually a general area, and you have all different ways to take. Usually, you can find your way back on a map. But atlas', those are a different story. If you're not lucky, you can end up in a totally different country. It doesn't mean you're lost. It just means you're in the wrong place. How do you get back to the right place? Flip the page. How do you flip the page? Look to the one who gave you the hands to do it - Jesus. I don't know where I am going... the fear of the unknown scares me more than anything I've ever had to face in my life. But if what I am going through right now will make me a stronger person, for whatever purpose God has for me... I will face the unknown. I will not only face it, I will conquer it. The hardest thing for me to let go of is what used to be. I love parts of my past. I love people in my past. But the thing I have learned, is they may be in your future. Even if they aren't, at least you played a part in their past and they played a part in yours. Who knows what God wants, and we sure are not allowed to have a say in it. I don't want a say in it... I've done a pretty bad job lately at picking out what map to choose in my atlas. There are so many roads to take, and I hope that certain people will end up at the end of those roads.. but if they don't, at least I will end up in Jesus' arm. I'm tired of trying to figure out my book of maps. I'm tired of searching and begging. The answer has been in front of my face the entire time... I just had to get to the right country. I hope the person I love ends up in my country. I hope my best friend at heart ends up there too. I hope some families end up there. I hope. Sometimes, that's all you have. It is okay to hope, I feel. I may be wrong. But sometimes, hope is all you have. Sometimes, you have to open your atlas... and hope you land in the right country, speaking the right language, and hoping for the right things. If not, let God flip your page.

The lion, the pit, and the girl.

Low. Insecurities. In a pit. Everything that describes things you don't want to be. Have you ever tried to fight and fight and fight and still fight some more, only to find that your fighting yourself? Have you ever tried to get out, but all you can do is get more tangled in? I believe that pain is the core of everything. It is everything that drives the world. See, pain is what causes people to react. Pain causes people to strive for more, search for happiness, and to let alone... just believe in something better. If there was no pain, how would we believe in happiness? I look for happiness in other people now, because I found one little part of me that could be happy because of someone else. Until then, I had always found happiness in myself and God. I believe that happiness comes from deep within. That happiness, it comes from inside of you. Don't EVER let someone else make you happy, even if they will be there forever. Don't. Because, happiness is you. It is a moment between yourself and God. I have found that I am strongest, at my weakest. People who really care about you, will sit you down at your weakest and push you to get stronger. God always provides people like that. Just because one thing doesn't turn out the way you want it, doesn't mean you have a reason to throw away everything you've grown in. You don't ever need to throw away your strength, because one little lie in your head tells you you aren't strong enough. Look at me talking, acting like I have this down... because truth is, I don't. I wish I did. I wish I was the master at this, but to become a master, you have to be taught, and to be taught, you have to learn, and to learn - you gotta have a lesson. That's what life is all about -lessons. Lessons come day by day. The key to this whole thing on earth is day by day. Minute by minute. Breath by breath. A family very important to me once said "If you make it through a day, you'll be so proud of yourself. You'll feel accomplished. Don't ever look at the whole picture. Take it day by day, and you'll make it." It doesn't always matter what others think, what you feel, or even what you think others feel... it matters what moment or day you are living. I have found that there is never a lowest point. You can always make things worse. It's your choice to change the way you look at things, or flip the way you feel. I'm in one of the biggest struggles of my life, and I wish I could just walk away. But the thing is, I can. I can't push away the thoughts, the pain, or the wonder. I can walk away from the temptations, make a choice, and stick to it. These three things I have not been able to do this entire time that I've been in my pit. Pits. What are those things? They are a hole in the ground, with only one way out. They keep you locked up, struggling to find a way to get out the opening in the ceiling. But pits, well they are holders. But Daniel survived lions in a pit. Think of your pit like a lion. It has a mouth, a tail, and some fur. It's an animal. It wants to eat you alive. It wants to take you down. But lions are just animals. They can be killed. It's YOUR choice, no one else's, to kill it. I don't have an answer to this life thing. I will never have an answer to it. But the best thing you can do? Play the hand you've been dealt. Take that lion by the mane. Deal with it face first. Even if you never get out of that pit, at least you have killed the most dangerous thing in it. That's the funny thing though.. If you let someone help you out, they will. It's up to you to kill the lion, but when you're at your worst or you can't find some rope to get out of the pit... scream someone's name. There is always a helping hand. Most likely Jesus sent it to you. But whatever you do, please, whatever you do... Find happiness in yourself. Lions may be beautiful, but they are rough. Pits are even worse. Don't lose faith in yourself. At the end of the day, all you have is you and Jesus. Jesus will never fail. If you take things day by day, you won't fail in your situation. Face your fear. Face yourself. Face your strength. Pick yourself up off the floor of the pit, kill the lion, then search for a rope or helping hand. When you are trying to climb out of the pit, you may be blinded by the sun. You may not know where or what you're doing. Where you're going. What you're grasping. But before you know it, you'll get out. You'll see the scenery. You'll realize you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and it's better than the bottom of a pit. Day by day, you'll realize... you can make it through anything. You will soon kill a lion. You can live in pain, or live in joy. It's your choice. But whatever you do, lions and pits may be fun, but at the end of the day - all the lion is, is a scared little cat, in a big pooping hole in the ground. Don't settle for that. Strive for Jesus. Strive for day by day. Strive to survive the lion, the pit, and the girl (or boy) that you were, only to become a hunter, fighter, surviver, and warrior.

The girl who stormed into the cafeteria.

"I remember the girl I had never met before, storming into the lunch room, with these HUGE parachute looking pants on and a flowing flowered shirt. She stormed up to our table, only to say that she was skipping class. I remember her laughing, then walking away... as I stared and wondered 'Who the HECK was that girl?' I remember her telling me about her dreams of living in New York, and falling in love. She's always believed in love. She was beautiful inside and out, and still is. I remember THAT Lauren, not this one" were the words that my best friend spoke to me as I sat there and cried in Starbucks. If you've met me over the past 9 months, you have met the Lauren I'm not. The Lauren who lost everything she had sight of. I believe that people do this from time to time. How else are you supposed to love the person you are, if you don't know who you aren't? See, I've always been a dreamer. I've always believed in love. But that's the one thing that is still a worldly view. I've never let Jesus have that, because it's part of who I've always been. How can I say that I trust in God, but don't trust in the main thing He is an expert on... love. Have you ever had a map, yet, you still get lost? Have you ever tried everything you can to jump on the train you should be catching, but you keep missing the doors? Have you ever watched a leaf fall, only to be kicked around again? There is something in common with all of these - not being where you are meant to be. I remember when I knew where I was supposed to be. When I had sight of the place I was going, yet somehow I'm still going there. I believe that reputations can be restored, hearts can be mended, and trust can be gained back... only if people will open their eyes to them. I have found that you CAN change, only if you allow the change to occur. It is NOT possible to begin to change, think you have it down, then throw it all away. The thing about change is that it has to occur from the inside-out. It has to move you. But if it doesn't completely finish, you end up in a circle. Circles aren't fun. Who has ever driven around circles, and not gotten dizzy? There are three things I've learned about myself. I have strength, I have God, and I still am the girl I was. I have been living in this same skin for almost 18 years now. That little girl who dreamed of New York, ran in her Papa's field, who played with Barbies.... She's still there. It's okay to remember her, to hold on to her, to strive to be her. But, I want to be a mature version of her. I believe that's what everyone wants sometimes. To remember things that define them, but to push on. I believe in second chances, because I've needed so many. I wish that I could have all the answers sometimes, but then life would be no fun. I wish that I could know where I'm going, but I sure know I am getting there. I believe that Jesus loves that carefree girl, more than the one with all of the worries of the world.I believe that Jesus loves who I am, but he misses who I was, because that girl was striving to be better. Well, Jesus always loves us the same... but I think he believes she was more fun. I can feel that Jesus wants me to be her, but I went through this so she could be stronger. Jesus doesn't ever want us to lose ourselves, He just wants us to get better at being that person, for him.  I love the life I have been blessed with. I love the people who see potential in me. I love that the girl in those pants is coming back. I love that I have the guts to storm into the cafeteria, wearing that outfit, going up to someone I don't know again. I love that we all get lost, yet, everyone finds there way to the path they should take. I love the girl who stormed into the cafeteria, because I believe she's the free part of me that's always been running. She's got me running again.

The bathroom floor.

Strength. It's something that the world sees in me, yet I can't lift the weight of the world. Sometimes, I believe that we are to sit in pain. We are to just sit there. That way, we can find out way around it, once we're out. I wish that I was Hercules. I wish that I could beat anything I faced. But the truth is, sometimes I believe I can't. There are some things that I'm going to fail at, or fall down upon, and those things are the ones I dwell on. I wish when I believed this, God would just come down and snatch me up. I wish God would just take us out of situations that will make us lose ourselves. But then, when we lose ourselves... we find God. I wish I could be the perfect Christian. I wish I could do everything God tells me too. I wish I didn't act upon emotions. I wish I didn't even have emotions. But, the thing is not to wish, it is to do. Over the past year, I have never been tested as much as I have been lately. I don't understand where I am supposed to go, feel, or even what to do. But that's the funny thing, sometimes.... strength is jumping into confusion and the dark, just because you know there is a light at the end. Lights are funny. They are always somewhere. I have never been in a pitch black dark room. Somehow, my eyes always adjust. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do with situations in life... just adjust our eyes in the dark. Look towards the Lord. Look towards what is inside of ourselves. Look towards our hearts. I always cry on the floor of my bathroom. I don't know why. But every intimate moment I have ever had with God, has been on my bathroom floor. I've found that when I am face first, on my bathroom floor, well that's when I find strength. It's when I am at my weakest, that God is at his strongest. It is when I have no where to go but the bathroom floor, that my bathroom becomes God's kingdom. See, God is funny. He usually uses the worst things, to make the best thing for His name. Kind of like me. I am one of the worst human's on the earth. There are many things I could be better at. Yet, somehow, God wants to use me. God is shaping me for His name. The moments when I feel most intimate with God, are the ones where I am sobbing, begging for his mercy or help. The moments where I am in complete need of Him. Lately, people have known me as the girl grasping for something else. As the girl wanting something she couldn't have. The girl who isn't the joyful person she used to be. I'm known for things I don't want to be. But, I know, that if I hadn't become this person... I wouldn't know who I wanted to be. I wouldn't have room to grow. I wouldn't know that something better was out there. That there was a better me out there, a better me... in Jesus. See, I don't have strength. I never will. But I have Jesus and He always does. The world was never meant to be lifted out of my shoulders - because as the Bible says, I have to carry my cross. I have to carry the things that are hardest for me to bear. I have to carry what feels like the world, so that the one day I finally can look the Lord in the eyes, I can carry His robe. I believe that there is strength in every single person, because there is Jesus in every person. It's not up to us to find it. It's just up to us to search it and believe in it. It's up to us to fall face forward on our bathroom floor. It's up to us to press on. It's up to us to carry the weight of the world. We can choose dwelling on our thoughts and we make our choices. It's up to us to do a lot, but it's not up to us to give up. That's never an option. Hercules never gave up, and neither should we.